Secrets & Lies

Do Not Go Gentle

2010-04-21T10:36:00.001-04:00

This blog has been stuck in my mind for a while. The reason is simple – there’s a post that I need to write somehow haven’t got the whatever to do it. It’s about age and death and the thoughts and words don’t come together very well. In fact for the longest time I haven’t even been able to put together a title – it was either ‘Do not go gentle’ or ‘You are old Father William’. I guess I’ve decided on the former (unless this changes before I pos it (or don’t post it at all)) and I just thought I’d type my thoughts out and just run with it.

My father has been unwell for a long while – nothing major but gradual slow decline. His balance started going and a series of small ‘strokes’ have slowly worn him down. Last December he was quite unwell and was admitted into hospital. After several weeks we had to come to a decision on what his next step was. Logically the path was obvious. He couldn’t return home as my mother, although in pretty good nick with 75% bionic hips, couldn’t take care of him. And there was no way he could take care of himself, although he claimed to the contrary. And so we had to find him a nursing home and he is now there. He is in good hands, my mother can go and see him whenever she wants and my brother, who is a good man, goes regularly. All very logical.

And yet I can’t quite get the image of the meeting where this was all decided out of my mind. We all have the image of our parents as majestic creatures (at least I hope LSWMBO and Mr Happy do) who are in control and set the scene for us. But over the years of his retirement he had slowly withdrawn from the world – his hobbies and pursuits were solitary and he had progressively fallen behind the passage of the world. And seeing him diminished and vulnerable was so intensely painful that I can’t quite remove it from my mind. And so Dylan Thomas thunders through my mind…..

Sorry for my self-indulgence.

Meanwhile in other news

2010-02-01T21:28:00.005-05:00

Peyton Manning had Wheaties for breakfast. No, wait - that's the headline round here, not a sideline. Forgive my heresy but I will be happy when the Superbowl is resolved and Indianapolis has recovered from an enjoyable and hideous hangover. Then I won't have to hear whether or not Dwight Freeney had a number two today.....

As to the pic above - in the mid-19th century poor Londoners used to sleep in coffins as the only place they could find to sleep. By 1900 the Sally Army had coffin hostels - pictured above. Scroll forward 110 years and move the picture to Korea. Here they have come up with the concept of the Coffin Academy. For $25 South Koreans can slip into a coffin and experience the sounds and feelings as the lid is pounded in place to leave them in the darkness.

These somewhat morbid people collect in groups of 12 or so where they write their letters saying farewell and their epitaphs. A funeral follows and they slip into the coffin in a chapel. The caskets are side by side and the Coffin Academy members rest in peace for ten minutes. Or longer I guess if the proprietor has a nap while they are experiencing the afterlife.

And on the personal front - my new unsullied passport has arrived as has a new rabbit. These two events are not related btw. And my little grey-haired mummy is now out of the hospital and so has to complain about how standards in the NHS to her neighbours rather than the woman in the next bed. But sad to say, my father is still in there and I don't think he'll be out in the next few weeks as there's no way she can look after him. Hence a trip back home is due. Stay tuned....

Failport renewal

2010-01-22T22:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the simple things in life are difficult. Late last year I made the momentous decision to get a new passport - not a big deal. Do the form, get photos (but not in a burka and remember to remove the dummy), send a king's ransom to Washington, get new passport in 10 working days. Simple. And yet....

The application got to Washington on 11 December. Christmas Eve my father gets taken into hospital - not major but a worry. No passport. Bum.

Check embassy web-site and get a premium phoneline in the UK (69p per minute!) to call. Call the 'Careline' and get rooked for money only to be told that they had no information to give me. Call back next week. Bugger.

Send email to the embassy to be told that they had received my application but I shouldn't have worn a burka and my photo was invalid. Send more photos. Is this a glimmer of progress? Is it hell.

Today my mother manages to break her hip at Tescos (full body contact shopping?) and gets admitted to same hospital as my father. Which is closed to visitors due to the rebranded Norwalk virus. No passport. Bloody shit damn.

Call the Don'tgiveashitline and get fleeced for more 69p moments of joy. This time they acknowledge that I did apply for a passport. Progress? But they haven't processed it. Ok, no progress. Crap buggery bollocks.

It appears I have 3 alternatives....

Wait - call back next week. Ok, but this has not been very successful apart unless you're the Pissoffline which is busy collecting multiple batches of 69p.
Book a ticket home and tell them when my travel date is to move my application up the list. Except that there is no guarantee that even that will get it processed in time and so I may lose more than lots of 69p. Lots and lots of 69p to be exact.
In an emergency I can apply "on compassionate ground" - gotta love that - for an emergency travel document. For which I have to go to my nearest embassy (Washington) and get an emergency travel document. This is the Willy Wonka gold certificate that lets you into the Magic UK factory. But not out. Once you're there you have to reapply for your passport, send more large sums of money to feed the UK deficit, and generally dick around while they do the same.
Go straight to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Ok, that was 4.

All in all - fuck.

Best email ever. For this year. So far.

2010-01-14T20:05:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but most of my email is pretty humdrum...coupons for 2% off the complete works of Jeffrey Archer, Office Depot offering me a free staple with every purchase of $500 or more, and a nice gentleman from Nigeria offering me a gazillion dollars for just my social security number, mother's maiden name, and inside leg measurement. But occasionally a gem arrives.

On Monday I received this plaintive request....

Urgent Order

Hello Sir/Madam,

I am G*** K*** and I will like to Order your (50" Snake Catcher stick),I will like to know the price of one and if you do not have this size then advise the size that you have?also what types of credit cards do you take for Payment.waiting to hear from you..

Regards
G***

Definitely caused me to think over my Cheerios. Does G*** want a Snake Catcher stick that is 50" long, or a Snake Catcher stick designed for catching snakes that are 50" long. And if so, how the bloody hell did he measure it? And does he have Snake Catcher sticks for 30", 40", 45" snakes ("bugger, too short!")? Clearly a man who wants the right tool for the job!

And why does he need it urgently? I have this mental picture of him frantically emailing while pinioned in the corner by this fierce 4' 2" reptile of the suborder Serpentes (got bored with typing sn...the other word).

Maybe I should reply and let him know his desperate plea went to the wrong person. Nah, it's probably too late for him. Sorry G***, mate.

Now where were we?

2010-01-11T19:43:00.003-05:00

Buggered if I can remember to be honest...let's consider events.....

May - LSWMBO got married and decided that TTO was the only man in her life. Result! After several months I could lure my wallet away from the corner where it was whimpering pathetically.

July - alcohol metabolism enzymes returned nearly to normal after wedding. Sadly bank balance didn't. Bugger.

Augustish - Mr Happy graduated and moved to Michigan where he officially became Mr April. He lives across the road from walk so his morning commute is ~2 minutes, but double if he has to stop for a car while crossing the road. He seems to be thoroughly enjoying his job. I hate him too.....

November - decided on plan to expand the empire and take over the world. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Less so now.

December - Christmas and set out to do nothing. Underachieved again.

January - decided I missed this blog as Facebook is a good place for shorty pithy comments but not good for longer pissy comments. Decided to post a recipe for Jess that is both tasty and a good guard against scurvy (you just can't be too careful).....

Saffron Citrus Chili Fish

Ingredients
1 lemon
1 grapefruit
1 lime
4 oranges
2 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
1 small onion
1 tsp saffron threads
1 medium courgette, diced
2 Tbsp. chili garlic sauce (modulate to your thermal tolerance)
1 Tbsp. sugar
3 cups vegetable stock (fish stock if you have it)
2 Tbsp chopped cilantro
1/2 cup plain (all-purpose) flour
salt and black pepper
4 orange roughy fillets

Zest the fruit and chop finely. Peel the fruit and segment, removing all membrane and white pith. Dice the flesh.

Heat the oil in a pan over medium heat, add the saffron, onion and courgette. Cook for 2 minutes, stir in the chili sauce and sugar and cook until caramelised (about a minute). Add the stock and bring to the boil.

Simmer for 10 minutes and add the fruit. Cook for ~10 minutes until the sauce has reduced. Stir in the cilantro, remove from the heat and allow to stand.

Mix the zest, flour, s&p together and use to lightly coat the fish. Heat a little oil in a frying plan. Cook the fillets for ~3 minutes on each side depending on how thick the fish is.

I served this with a herbed couscous but you can do it with a variety of carriers. Enjoy.

LSWMBO got married

2009-06-16T20:26:00.001-04:00

Another one bites the dust

2009-03-02T20:27:00.003-05:00

Bloggers seem to be falling left right and centre. The latest to fall by the wayside was, and indeed is, still one of the best. Benediction, always a source of inspiration, has decided to call it quits. Shame for many of us. Fortunately I can keep in touch with her but it does definitely make you wonder if it is, indeed Rabelais time.

Life is full of stuff at the minute but some updates are due I guess. My old man seems to be slowly on the mend - thank you to everyone who expressed their concern. When I left the UK I was somewhat despondent as he didn't seem to be doing much to help himself and he is the only person who really could do much about it. But he seems to have taken my little grey haired mother's message to heart - "if you don't do something I'll stop feeding you." This fills me with hope. The NHS are looking to treat my other's need for a replacement hip with acupuncture. Seems reasonable, if inscrutable.

The wedding...pardon me....THE WEDDING proceeds apace. The big decisions have been made, and I have a suit(!) but it's totally bloody amazing how many details there are in an American wedding. We also seem to have embarked on a total rebuild of the house so any visitors (who have never been here before so have no idea how scruffy and run down it is usually) won't be disgraced.

And I have a suit....

But it's Monday, ruddy Monday. Haven't done any music for a while. There was a Facebook meme listing the 25 albums that formed your background and another that had the 10 tracks that had strong associations for you. Memes don't go away, just shift their medium.

One of the big formative albums in my life was Eno's second solo effort - Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy). This was Darwin College, University of Kent at Canterbury. Late 1974, maybe early 1975. But this was played and played through The Fat Lady Of Limbourg, Mother Whale Eyeless, Third Uncle (check out the 801 Live version as it's a classic).

But The True Wheel has some of the best lyrics and also one of the best videos out there on youtube. It is really very clever....

A New RSS Feed?

2009-02-11T20:34:00.002-05:00

Hmm, tricky cultural territory tonight. First up there is the new tasty soft drink being developed in India from ... cow urine. Now at first blush this might seem a little gauche and a trifle bizarre. But "gau jal", or "cow water" in Sanskrit is in the late stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group. And at least they are totally open in the origins and content of their food product, as opposed to certain ~~now dead~~ Chinese baby formula manufacturers or Georgian peanut butter producers. Anyone who has a can (or bottle) - let us all know how yummy it is. Please?
And then there are the pink chaddis. An organisation known as The Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women (membership 24808 and rising (oh yes, and Brad Defruiter desperately trying to get a membership list)) is urging people to send pink knickers to members of a Hindu Nationalist Group (Sri Ram Sena (Lord Ram’s Army)) in protest at their beatings of unmarried couples in Mangalore. They are doing this because the Sri Ram Sena are losers. Maybe they can also send some to the England cricket team.

Oh yes, and the membership just rose to 24809 - and you too can join here.

Come home Oedipus, all is forgiven

2009-02-09T20:16:00.004-05:00

Perhaps I shouldn't worry quite so much. After all, I live in a place where you can buy Valentines cards for your mother. Just think about it for a minute, and then shudder...

But there is the whole upcoming issue of the father-daughter dance at the upcoming nuptials. LSWMBO sent me an email that just said 'what do you think we should dance to' to which my obvious yet unspoken thought was 'why are you asking me what you and TTO should dance to'. But then it was gently pointed out to be by SWMBO I was living in America. And American weddings have a fixed dance-card - dance 17 appears to be the grooms third uncle twice removed dancing with the bride's second cousin' gibbon's hairdresser. That are very thorough.

But dance 2 is daddy-daughter and that was the source of my trepidation. Still is, come to think of it. Let's get some of the criteria out of the way - it must be danceable, not so sappy that you want to commit mass-murder, and not be taken as a tacit admission of incest by anyone in the audience. So Isn't She Lovely loses on 2/3 - sorry, never really did like that track - while Brown-Eyed Girl, so popular with many people....I mean have you listened to the words...

Making love in the green grass
Behind the stadium with you

He wasn't checking her maths homework I tell you.

And then there are the weird ones - who would even listen to Sheryl Crow's mangling of Sweet Child of Mine, let alone dance to it? Or The Cure's Lullaby - not sure if the spiderman being always hungry is really the way they want to start their future lives together. Or maybe they do. What do I know?

So what does that leave me with? Not a lot to be honest. And even less than is present on youtube to share for a Monday. But if there is one song that has been there through LSWMBOs life and even a few minutes longer it is this one. Even if it isn't appropriate to the occasion it's still a damn good track....

The journey home

2009-02-07T20:21:00.002-05:00

Coming back from England proved a trifle more complicated this time round. My flight wasn't until midday - but Air Canada insist on 3 hours beforehand and there was the usual issue of trying to get round the M25 early on a Monday morning. So - discretion being the better part of ~~cowardice~~ valour it seemed a good idea to spend the night up by Heathrow.

And this proved to be a good idea when the storm gods decided to dump 6" of snow over the Eastern bit of the UK. Round here that amount of snow would be annoying and make for a mucky rush hour. Back home they close the library when 1-2" of snow falls, so there were librarians up and down the length of the country barricading themselves in their bookish charges, armed to the teeth, and prepared to fend off all-comers. We are only a Trollope away from anarchy - in more ways than one.

So I blundered across to T3, checked in, and had a hearty breakfast like all condemned men. And waited while the word 'Cancelled' merrily appeared on the departures screen alongside a lot of flights. This caused some tension and I learnt some new words from the woman next to me when she learnt that she wouldn't be leaving for Shanghai on that particular day.

Fortunately my bus was running - the one taking me out to the plane that is - and we were lucky enough to get out of Heathrow about 20 minutes before they decided to shut down the entire country. Including the libraries.

And so to Toronto - while we made up about 20 minute we landed just early enough for me to miss the last flight to Indianapolis. Bugger. And, as it was weather-related, Air Canada had no obligation to house me so I had to doss down in the goosebump ridden fleshpots of Mississauga. A short night's sleep and then back to the airport at 5 am to argue with a snotty AC-employee on whether my bag was too heavy (it was), whether anyone had said anything about it in London (no, apart from 'have a nice flight'), and whether I could unpack anything to make the weight better (no). Then I hopped on another bus which took me out to a shed in the middle of the airport by a route so long and circuitous I thought he was going to take a runner down the runway himself.

The flight was uneventful apart from the snowstorm in Indianapolis which made the pilot abort his first approach....all very exciting. Not. He then announced that if he couldn't make his next approach and would have to head for his alternative landing location - Windsor Ontario!!! Thank God he made it in. So we landed, and then I had to dig my car out of the carpark and head slowly home past the turned-over SUVs littering the side of the Interstate.

34 hours to get home. A new record and one I don't want to break any time soon.

Crises

2009-02-05T21:00:00.003-05:00

Ok, getting back into Eastern Time Zone and back into work. So what happened?

My mother calls me every Sunday at 10.00, give or take a minute or two. She's very punctual. When talking to he she told me that my father had collapsed/fallen over and was in bed after a struggle to get him upstairs. He's 85 and has become progressively more unfirm over the past few years. So just about anything robs him of his balance - it was a severe urinary tract infection this time. Oh yes, and my mother needs a hip replacement. I was worried, found a flight home the following day and spent the week over there helping her. Well I hope I helped her.

My father is quite cantankerous and stubborn. Not like me at all. He is quite resistant to anyone in the family - he's the patriarch - but was very responsive to the nurses who came in and cajoled/bullied him to sit up, get to the chair at the end of the bed. It's tough for him, but important to his recovery. I suggested to my mother that she buy a nurses outfit and hire random women to come in and get him to do his exercises. They live in a town of ~20,000 so ~5,000 of them must be women of nursing age. So by the time they've got through all 5000 he should be better - simple.

By the time I left the immediate crisis seemed to have passed but the recovery will be long. And the journey back is a whole other post....

The other critical issue I have weighing on my mind is - what should I dance with LSWMBO in the daddy-daughter wedding dance. Sounds easy, but there are certain criteria:-

It must be danceable
It must not be so sappy you want to poke out your ear-drums with knitting needles
It must not scream "INCEST"!!!!
We must both like it

And that's another post.

But while we're on the topic of music - a musical giant passed away while I was back in the UK. John Martyn was a true rebel-rouser whose dissolute lifestyle pretty much crippled him. But he produced some wonderful music, particularly the Solid Air album. I remember my first acquaintance with him was a folk-singer covering Traffic Light Lady and the chorus has stuck in my brain for some 34 years. Can't remember my name, but that song just sticks...

Couple of tracks - May You Never is probably one of his definitive tracks:-

And I Don't Want To Know About Evil....

Sad loss....

Normal service will be resumed shortly

2009-02-04T20:07:00.001-05:00

Back home after a long trip and seemingly longer return journey. Have to do some catch up and will post tomorrow. I hope.

Cheap, but very funny post

2009-01-29T15:49:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the absence of posts - family matters. But this is too good to let pass unnoted.

Deposits are down - another victim of the recession?

2009-01-24T20:25:00.002-05:00

Looks like the traditional banks aren't the only ones needing a hand in the current economic environment. Sperm banks all around the world are experiencing a drying up in the level of donations. In Korea they attribute it to the implementation of a 2005 Bioethics Law, but the problem isn't confined to them. The Southern Daily Echo have championed the problem back home with the shocking revelation that only 4 men are donating sperm in the Southampton area. And I'll bet they're getting very tired.

Is this tied to the recession? Very possibly. Larry Flint has already put in his bid for $5Bn to bailout the limp porn industry and 'rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America'. All very noble and I'm sure he has no vested interest here. But this has as much, or little merit, as giving the banks huge amounts of money to pay themselves bonuses for getting themselves into the position where they needed huge amounts of money. Actually, it sounds a lot more reasonable come to think of it. And if people become more interested in sex, then presumably there may be a bit more to go around and the 4 knackered burghers of Southampton can get some well-deserved kip.

And there is an upside - not only will men benefit, but women also. A recent study at Newcastle University has reported that the pleasure women get from making love is directly linked to the size of their partner’s bank balance. This area of research appears to attract a lot of attention - mainly from male researchers for some odd reason. Male researchers who are looking for a rise possibly.

And this may explain Bernie Madoff - he was not actually swindling charities, friends, retired people who now have nothing to live for. No, he was trying to improve his sexual technique. Maybe the Madoff defence (I was only sticking up this bank to give my wife an orgasm) will become part of legal history. Or maybe not.

But I'm finishing here as I have to go out an buy some lottery tickets....you never know.

A Question of Tomorrow

2009-01-19T20:27:00.002-05:00

There's something I don't quite understand about tomorrow. This is not my country and I am disenfrachised (as I am back home dammit). So I didn't vote. The man who won, spending obscene amounts of money, inherits the biggest poo-pile from the Chump-In-Chief for decades. I'd demand a recount if I was him. And he is weighed down with the expectations of a nation that has been let down by its leaders and is drowning in debt. It is a Herculean task at best, and there are a line of people a mile long waiting for their consideration for supporting him. And so he cannot afford to be ordinary, or even more than ordinary. No, he must be extraordinary just to be seen as ordinary.

So why do I find tomorrow exciting? Why do I actually look at someone and wish I had the chance to say "I voted for him". I guess because here is someone who looks out and appears to be talking to you directly, someone who can actually inspire and yet not sound superior or patronising. He can even pronounce words properly. He is a man you can trust.

These men come along rarely and should be treasured and cherished. I hope he lives up to peoples' dreams and aspirations. I hope so for his sake, for the US' sake, and for the world's sake. And I think I fit somewhere in there.

And for music....what is tomorrow? What else? Once in a lifetime.

The rare and the common

2009-01-16T20:34:00.003-05:00

This is a phalarope - a rare visitor to the English shores:-

These are twitchers - birdwatchers if you'd prefer - and they are pretty common, but like watching rare things (see phalarope):-

And this is a buzzard. Not necessarily very rare and really not too caring about whether things are rare or common:-
And this, sad to say from the phalaropic and twitcher perspective, is what happens when all these 3 items, rare and otherwise, come together:-

At least one of them ended up this story happy.

US Airways Flight 1549

2009-01-15T20:57:00.004-05:00

Let's be honest - the events that took place in New York were pretty darn miraculous, albeit an expensive way of reducing the Canada Geese population. One of my favorite web-sites is Flightaware, which tracks flights across the US - ok, so I'm a geek and think that's sort of interesting.

So what, I wondered, does Flightaware have to say about todays flight......

I'm amazed that it tracks the flight pretty reliably and gives it a duration of 6 minutes. But I'm not sure that the passengers would agree with the status.....Arrived over 5 hours ago doesn't seem a totally accurate assessment of a journey that was intended to arrive in Charlotte. And on dry land.

One thing for sure though - people will pay a lot more attention to the 'in the event of a water landing' bit in future....

Post-elect

2009-01-12T21:31:00.004-05:00

Ya know, I thought he'd look a bit happier when he got inaugurated somehow. Maybe the weight of the paper sign saying 'Economic Crisis' was weighing on him when this photo was shot. I loved the rehearsal - the pageantry, the gravitas, the paper signs, and the bit where they all practiced waving to the helicopter. I think they got that bit right by the way. I was looking to see if there was anyone wearing a 'terrorist' sign but I didn't see one. I just hope there isn't one tomorrow as too many people need to much from this man. Maybe too much for any man.

The Beeb has been running a series called Notes to Obama, where a variety of celebrities offer their advice to the man-in-waiting. They inevitably run the whole gamut but I think John Waters has (inevitably) an original take on the whole topic.

Music is an old track that hopefully doesn't resonate with tomorrows man in charge, and sure as hell is meaningless to the new retiree-elect. While we were decorating the other week SWMBO popped to the shops and so I put some music on. Inevitably she decided to return during the Clash' Somebody Got Murdered and the next track turned out to be Killing An Arab. Doh - anyone would think I was third in line to the English throne.

Ah well, I managed to stumble across to the remote and forward to this classic - Boys Don't Cry. But they do - honest.

Are Americans gutless?

2009-01-11T21:11:00.003-05:00

Caution - this recipe may need an extra ingredient. A strong stomach?

Seems like a bit of an odd question, so maybe I should rephrase it. Do Americans have internal organs?

I ask that question because I'm not sure any of their animals do; at least that is the impression that you get from a quick examination of a butcher's counter round here. For, although there is a fine stock of meat on display, the offal truth is that there is none on display anywhere. Which all seems a bit odd, particularly for a nation that will indulge in the mysteries of fast food with reckless abandon.

There even seems to be a revulsion of the notion of offal - people will always point to the English habit of steak and kidney pie/pudding and shudder while doing so. And even back home there are variants - have to admit that some types don't do anything for me. Brawn for example - my father happily indulges himself in this meaty mystery yet I suspect a whole industry will die with his passing as I can't see anyone else picking up the baton. But when did the offal disappear from American meat departments as surely the Founding Fathers weren't particularly squeamish when it came to butchery?

But you can at least find chicken livers in the local stores and, with a bit of effort turn the ridiculous into the sublime by creating sherried chicken liver pâté......

Ingredients
2 oz. butter
4 oz. lean bacon, derinded and chopped
2 crushed cloves of garlic
1 small onion, chopped
1 lb chicken livers, chopped
salt & pepper
2 thyme sprigs
2 parsley sprigs
4 oz mushrooms, cleaned and chopped
4 Tbsp. dry sherry
4 Tbsp. thick whipping cream
1 tsp. lemon juice

Melt the butter in a pan, add the bacon, garlic, and onion and cook gently for 3 minutes. Stir in the chicken livers and cook for 5 minutes. Season well with salt and pepper. Add the herbs and mushrooms - stir in. Add the sherry and cook until the liquid has evaporated. Cool, then blend in an electric blender until smooth. Stir in the cream and lemon juice.

Warm an oven to 300F/150C. Spoon into a greased ovenproof dish. Cover with a lid and stand the dish in a roasting pan, containing water to a level of one inch. Bake for 2-2 1/2 hours until the pâté is cooked through. Allow to cool. Cover and chill until needed.

Serve on toast - it's rich and delicious.

The Course Of True Love....

2009-01-09T21:03:00.004-05:00

PORTIA
Tarry a little; there is something else.
This bond doth give thee here no jot of blood;
The words expressly are 'a pound of flesh:'
Take then thy bond, take thou thy pound of flesh;
But, in the cutting it, if thou dost shed
One drop of Christian blood, thy lands and goods
Are, by the laws of Venice, confiscate
Unto the state of Venice.

GRATIANO
O upright judge! Mark, Jew: O learned judge!

SHYLOCK
Is that the law?

I'm mixing my Shakespeare quotations tonight. The title if from Midsummer Night's Dream and the text from the Merchant of Venice. But the story is, I guess, Love's Labour's Lost.

Look at the wedding couple - happy and in love. Richard Batista and his lovely wife Dawnell....what sort of a name is that btw? So much in love. And it got deeper. She needed a kidney - she'd had one from her father, and another from her brother but had sadly rejected them both. As luck would have it, Richard was a good match for Dawnell and gave one of his to her - perhaps the ultimate 'all my worldy goods I thee endow'.

The sad news is that (according to him) her body accepted the kidney but she rejected the rest of him. He claims she had an affair with a physiotherapist and the whole thing ended up in a divorce. And he wants his kidney back - or at least the value of the kidney. He claims that is is worth $1.5million, which seems a bit odd as you can get organic lambs kidneys for about 5 bucks a pound and they've probably led a cleaner life.

Richard is somewhat gutted and claims "It put a hole in my heart that still exists" - so maybe there is a chance for him to barter a bit of heart for the return of his kidney. After all, they appear to be a good match. But only at the tissue level.

What's the collective name for employees?

2009-01-08T20:19:00.004-05:00

Collective names are one of the most brilliant inventions of the human language - how can you fail to be gobsmacked by a rhumba of rattlesnakes or a storytelling of rooks? But watching nature programmes over Christmas (ok, yes I got a new TV....) made me wonder what the corresponding word for a 'collection' of employees is?

Watching Life On Earth I could see an immediate answer - a shoal of employees....
It seems to fit much of what you see in so many places. Shoals tend to hang out together as a communal defence against predators. Individuals may get eaten but by hiding yourself in the masses you stand a good chance of surviving to another day. When of course you might get eaten....but that's ok; you made it through the day. So the goal of being a shoal member is not to stand out, not to be an individual, not to take the risk, to be just good enough to survive.

And sometimes you find that in large organisations - the Civil Service used to be the classic example. In shoal employees you find the person who does enough to survive but not to stand out - conspicuous is bad. The goal is not to be the best, but mainly not to the the laggard who can get picked off by the predator that is always snapping at the fringes of the shoal. That way you live to breed, and produce more members of the shoal. And so the shoal can survive.

Shoal employees can't survive in small companies where they are exposed and have to develop individual survival skills. But en masse they can get by - and so can the shoal. And that is just good enough.

Or is it? The problem is that the world has changed. While there used to be predators gathering and picking off the weakest shoal members, now the whole environment has shifted and the future of the shoal - the whole shoal - is endangered. And because the whole mantra of the shoal employee is based on anonymity their whole mantra of survival is at risk.

So what's the future of survival ? How do we turn our shoal of employees into a pride?

Oh yes, and the real answer? It's a staff of employees:-
How boring is that?

Holidays over - back to work

2009-01-05T21:05:00.002-05:00

Time to get back into work habits. The alarm clock was rather brutal this morning and LSWMBOs sympathy rather less so. Stumbled out of bed and came within a whisker of leaving for work without my ID badge...which would not have been a good thing. Eventually started 2009 only to find that it looks remarkably similar to 2008. Bother.

But music for Monday is a bit of a throwback in a couple of senses. Firstly it's a Christmas reference so it is a couple of weeks late. But it's even more of a throwback for me. Blue was the first album (12" vinyl for all you antiquarians out there) I ever bought with my own money. The first one I owned was a gift from my brother - Motown Chartbusters 5. The second, a gift from my parents - Solomon's Seal by Pentangle. And this was the third (and interestingly the only one I now own on CD). I unearthed it while decorating and played it only to marvel at what a great album it is and the emotion that runs through it. I was planning on using the clip for The Last Time I Saw Richard but that seems to have disappeared....so it's back to a Christmas tune....

Something God and I have in common

2009-01-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

The Trinity were sitting around one day in 4004 BCE. It was a Sunday so there wasn't really that much going on. Jesus and the Holy Spirit were playing backgammon. The Spirit wasn't certain if the string of double sixes thrown by his opponent were a statistical improbability (after all, it can happen 10 times in a row) or something a little more legerdemaindeDieu. But he didn't want to cause a fuss as the Ultimate Rule Judge tended to side with his son so it probably wasn't worth the fuss.

God was sitting looking over a colour chart that spanned the entirety of his creation. It was quite big. "I just don't get it", he muttered. "Get what?", said the Spirit grateful for the diversion. " These colours. I just don't get it. I mean, look at this......Sandpiper....what in My name is a sandpiper? Did one of you create a sandpiper while I wasn't looking?". Jesus looked a little sheepish and studied the game board more intensely.

"And Etruscan red??? I mean, what's an Etruscan when it's at home?" "Small kind of shellfish isn't it" piped up the Spirit, glad of the diversion. "So, God, why are you poring over colour charts again? Didn't you do the whole colour thing with the dinosaurs?"

Jesus looked up. "Yeah, and a right shambles that turned out to be. Poor little, well big, buggers. Roaming around the place all painted Oriental Express with Kiwi Burst spots. No wonder they wandered round all the time roaring. It's a miracle that asteroid came along and wiped them out before they all died of shame."

"Yes, right, asteroid, ahem", muttered God. " The trouble with these colour charts is that they all look ok on the paper, but then you put them on the beasts of the earth and they look different. I mean, I thought it looked ok when it was two little strips of paper. I had no idea how it would turn out on a 15 ton bloodthirsty reptile. It all got, well, out of hand."

"Anyway", He continued, "now I've got a chart to start again and this time I'll get it right. I've got a cluster of small mouse-like mammals who managed to keep out of the technicolour lizards way, and with a bit of intelligent design and a quick colour wash I think I can get it right. Trouble is, I don't want to screw it up again......either of you two got a suggestion?"

The Spirit perked up. " I know, why don't you start small. Maybe start with a garden and see how it goes....."

And that was my, rather our, issue with the painting thing. The colour charts looked quite plausible and so we got testers and slapped a bit on the wall....where it looked nothing like (a) we'd imagined it, and (b) the colour chart. So, it was back to the shop for another try (maybe Gumdrop was a bit optimistic)....until the wall began to take on a tartan appearance. Probably the traditional tartan of the MacIdiot clan - a small family of colour-blind Scots who thankfully died out due to a small misunderstanding with traffic lights.

But eventually one colour, either that or our refusal to go back and get still one more colour (my suggestion was to just pick one at random as that stood as much chance as any "rational" approach") won out and we finally got round to doing the dining room. And then the front room. And now it's back to work. No peace for the wicked or the Blessed apparently.

Are you feeling inspired yet?

2009-01-03T22:12:00.002-05:00

If not, you might want to take your inspiration from this....

Anyone able to identify all the films here?

Old Years Resolution

2008-12-31T20:56:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess it's 2009 in the vast majority of places - hopefully we won't look back on 2008 as the good old days (with the exception of November 4). Happy new year to everyone and I hope it brings you everything you desire.

Time to report back on the annual reading assignment - 12 books in 12 months and mainly fiction. This is the second year that I've set off on this particular mission - the challenge was (a) to find the time and (b) to read something that wasn't necessarily work-related.

And it seems to have had an effect. The other day I went into Borders and actually picked up a real growed up story book in preference to a fun-packed history of the Black Death. And the story book didn't even have pictures.

So what did I get through this year?

I *think* I started off with The Ghost Map by Steven Johnson. Ok, so it's a history book. But it's one of those small yet fascinating historical incidents that makes for a compelling story. In this case it's the story of the 19th century London cholera epidemic. Maybe that doesn't sound like a fun read but it changed the way people thought about disease and epidemics. Well worth a read.

On the history front I did also indulge in a quick tot of Rum: A Social and Sociable History of the Real Spirit of 1776 by Ian Williams. This turned out to be a bit like my relationship with the spirit in question - seemed like a good idea but the novelty faded pretty quickly and I didn't finish the bottle, pardon me book.

The first major diversion into fiction was bought on the spur of the moment based on the cover notes. A murder mystery based in the Ottoman miniaturist world of 16th century Istanbul - now that sounds like an interesting read. And it was. And more. My Name Is Red by Orhan Pamuk is a fascinating story and each chapter is written in the first person by one of the protagonists or a bystander. Good read, and different.

I picked up The Witch of Portabello by Paulo Coehlo on the strength of The Alchemist which I read and thoroughly enjoyed last year. This one - not quite so. The style starts off similarly to My Name Is Read and speaks the to feminine side of the deity. But it drifts around and the ending really didn't surprise me at all. Maybe it was my mood, but I found it a trifle disappointing.

Then the find of the year and more by good luck than good judgement. I have no idea why I picked up The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield - maybe it was the cover that looked archaic or maybe it was the mention of a Yorkshire setting (my little grey-haired mother comes from there; more specifically she was born in Whitby where Dracula came ashore. Nuff said). A Brontë-esque tale, or at least SWMBO tells me it is and she reads the literature in this household. A gripping family story with enough twists to keep you going to the end. Sadly she's only written the one book....

But another find turned into a series and then an authpor to keep an eye out for. I picked up Case Histories by Kate Atkinson on the spur of the moment. The first three chapters are all apparently disconnected deaths - or two murders and a disappearance. They have no obvious connection and the disparate threads slowly combine and form a coherent and amusing story. Did I like it? Well, since then I've read Human Croquet and One Good Turn by Ms Atkinson. So I guess the answer is yes.

It wasn't all fiction. I had to read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. This is an almost impossible book to gauge as it's intensely personal and written for his children as a lasting memento of a good father sadly removed from them. At times I almost felt like I was intruding.
Another non-fiction read was Elizabeth: The Struggle For The Throne by David Starkey. Most of the books on Elizabeth I focus on her as queen and Gloriana, but he presents a picture of Elizabeth concentrated on the years before she ascended the throne and her role in the events during that time. He presents a complex and more involved princess than she is often given credit for. If you like Liz I, then you'll enjoy this.

In the mix there were a couple of PD James - Death of an Expert Witness and Shroud for a Nightingale if I remember correctly. I don't rave over PD James as I don't find a lot of soul in her characters. These were solid reads but not the best I found in '08.

On the other hand Ghostwalk by Rebecca Stott was a corker. Look at the Amazon reviews and you'll see no end of scatter on the reviews but I enjoyed it. Dark and complex, set in the Cambridge of today and the Cambridge of Isaac Newton, it was a book that still left things unanswered at the end. Let me know if you read it and who you think dunnit at the end?

I was fascinated by the various blogs of Seth Godin and the general adulation with which he is held by so many people. So I picked up a copy of Tribes: We Need You To Lead Us. It's short, readable and contains the new model of leadership in a world where leadership doesn't come with a uniform and rarely comes from the top of the corporate monolith. Worth a read, or steal it from me when I can remember who has my copy at the minute.

And this ones for Candace......And the final book was picked up at Portland airport as a convulsive lunge before the flight back. Take Good Omens, Small Gods and toss in Robert Graves Greek Myths and you'll get Marie Phillips' Gods Behaving Badly. The Gods from Olympus are living in a run-down house in London and have taken up day jobs - Aphrodite does phone sex for example. Then love and a hero arrive and it all goes very amusingly wrong. Good light fun read.

Ok, 15 with 5 on the shelf waiting... good reading.

New Years Resolution - take up a new hobby

2008-12-29T20:56:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again - 2008 is gradually disappearing in the rear-view mirror and so it's time to think about your new years resolutions for 2009. Many of us think about taking up a new hobby but knitting is really boring and philately is a dying art in the age of email. So why no branch out on something with a slightly greater chance of destroying the planet - genetic engineering.

Well, maybe not genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is a bad thing conducted by multi-billion dollar companies with all the ethical qualities of an Illinois governor with a spare senate seat at his disposal. But if you call it biohacking instead it somehow moves from being nasty and sinister to being fashionable, sexy, and somehow wholesome. And you can still destroy the planet, but no-one will mind.

Being a biohacker doesn't take a lot of kit - a kitchen table, a jar of yoghurt, some jellyfish DNA and a homemade analyser which you can apparently make for about $50. Or at least that is what 31-year-old computer programmer Meredith L. Patterson is using. No wait, it's her dining room table. Crucial difference.

Part of the appeal of being a biohacker is the prospect of becoming the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs - after all personal computers originated from their garages (I assume they took their tables outside). Mind you, so did Wargbot, Koobface and Sality but I guess that doesn't matter. I'm sure it will all be fine.

But if you do decide to become genetic engineers and inadvertently release some virulent mutant organism that has the potential to destroy all life on the planet - please remember to blog about it and share the experience with all your friends before they all turn into green slime creatures. Thank you.

Monday and music. I'm going to go back to Radio Retaliation - it's easy to do as Thievery Corporation tracks all have different styles and vocalists so they don't sound the same. At least, that's my excuse and it gives me a chance to dig out one of the best tracks on the album. Featuring the vocals of LouLou - Sweet Tides. Enjoy:-

Why I am overeating for Christmas

2008-12-27T21:02:00.003-05:00

As oil goes up and down in price like a yo-yo it seems like a good time to consider shifting the car over to run on alternative fuels. The choices seems to be quite plentiful but you have to give some thought to the smell of your exhaust. In Brazil they run everything on ethanol produced from their abundance of sugarcane. And the streets smell like a brewery. Back home a couple of people have shifted their cars over to run on vegetable oil and so they smell like a mobile chippy.

But what will my car smell like if I swap it over to run on lipodiesel? Sounds like a bit of a hypothetical question, but apparently Alan Bittner, a Beverly Hills liposculpturist, adapted his cars to run on the surplus material obtained as a byproduct of his artistic endeavours. He even publicised his exploits on the (now removed) lipodiesel.com. Sadly for Alan, but thankfully for the rest of us, it is illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles and he is now under investigation by the California Department of Public Health. He is also no longer acepting new patients.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to have another mince pie and work on another pint of unleaded.

Something for the bored Star Wars fan in your life to do

2008-12-24T21:11:00.002-05:00

Make yourself a droidel...
Cool huh? Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

A day for 3 questions

2008-12-23T20:05:00.006-05:00

Today was one of these days:-

The freezing rain started at about 1 on cold surfaces and so by 1.30 the whole place was turning into a glorified skating rink. I decided to cut and run for home at about 1.45 - a journey that normally takes about 20 minutes. Today it took about 4 times that and included a lengthy detour through the Northern, rural, and very slippery aspects of Zionsville as my usual way home was blocked due to an inevitable accident. Which leads me to my first question...the road was closed ahead and was totally shiny and slick as the salt trucks hadn't been through yet. The hockey mum coming back up the road was driving a van at 5-10 mph in deference to the ice and had her hazard warning lights blinking away to alert us all. So question 1 - why the bloody hell was she jabbering away on her cell-phone while doing so??

And so to question 2 - does wearing polyester pants significantly impact your chances of getting a leg over? That might seem an easy question to answer - hell yes - but what about if you're a rat? A more tricky question to be sure as rats aren't known to be that discerning and, with an average lifespan of 2-3 years, few of them have memories of the 70s. Oh the horror!

But fortunately I have the answer to that question, courtesy of the (sadly deceased) Dr. Ahmed Shafik of the Cairo University in Egypt. In a 1993 paper in European Urology, Dr. Shafik explored the effect of wearing different types of underpants on the sexual activities of rats. He dressed 75 rats in a) 100% polyester, b) 50/50 polyester/cotton, c) 100% cotton and d) 100% wool underpants for one year. Imagine having to wear polyester for a third of your life...shudder.

He found that the rats in the polyester pants had significantly less sexual activity than the rats clad in more natural fabrics. Dr. Shafik attributed this to electrostatic potential in the penis and scrotum areas - yes, he did measure these things and no, I don't know how. Or why, come to think of it. But the question of rat shame at having to wear polyester doesn't appear to have occurred to him.

But it does lead to the third question of the day - how the hell did the rats manage to get the pants on and off when the urge took them?

A little bit of coolness in the night

2008-12-22T19:42:00.003-05:00

The little bit of coolness is in marked contrast to the big hunk 'o' bollock freezing that there is going on round here at the minute. And for all those of you who come from Denver or places where it's a damn sight colder - yes, that is a very wimpy comment. But I'm still cold.

So what do you think of these guys....All the trekkies out there probably screamed Birds of Prey at the screen, but you're wrong. They're even weirder than that; they are radiolarians - a type of fossilised shells in 160x magnification. And if you think that's cool, then the above photo got 15th place in Nikon's 2008 Small World photography competition. The winner was this wonderful image of marine diatoms that looks like it leapt from the gallery wall to your computer:-

There are some very freaky and wonderful images and you can see them all here. It's amazing what there is underneath our noses and below our limits of perception.

But as it's cold out let's have a little warming music. I stumbled across my copy of the new Thievery Corporation CD the other day while wrapping presents for SWMBO. I've only listened to it once but it's coming off well - the usual rich mix of cultures and sounds that make their CDs so listenable. The title track is very cool and warms the blood a trifle - which is very welcome when you're looking to see where the mercury in the thermometer outside went to....

Strange Day

2008-12-20T22:22:00.002-05:00

Ok, so where did today go to? We had the small and lovelies over last night (definitely not Mr Happy and/or LSWMBO) and that seemed to throw everything for a loop. Couple that with the news that it's going to be bollock freezing the next couple of days and so today became breakfast-shop-dinner. I'm sure there should be more to a Saturday than that, but hey.

Still looking for those final Christmas presents. One of our friend signed up for Kiva and sent some of her Christmas present to help a rice farmer in the Philippines - which makes me inordinately happy. And if you want something a little more individual you might want to try the doodlebra, a combination support garment and colouring set. And if you don't feel that you are artistic enough to do justice to this wondrous garment, I do have the phone number of one Brad Defruiter who will work on commission. But be warned - he might drool a bit and smudge the outlines. ~~He did with me.~~

Haven't posted a recipe for a while and this one is a trifle embarrassing in its simplicity. SWMBO had to rustle up a green salad for a party and found this one, which is more a red and green salad.

Per person, take a handful of baby arugula , a tablespoon or so of parmesan cheese, a tablespoon of roasted pine nuts, and a quarter of radicchio finely sliced. Dress with a mix of 1 part balsamic vinegar to 3 parts virgin olive oil and a little salt and freshly ground black pepper. Sprinkle a little parmesan over and serve. You can also add in a bit or crispy fried pancetta/prosciutto if your mood takes you that way.

It is simplicity itself but so good that you kick yourself for not having thought of it before Mr Oliver did. Enjoy.

Is this vegan, or even vegetarian?

2008-12-17T20:45:00.003-05:00

I am sure there will be objections. Brad will complain that this isn't Vegan, Missy will grumble it isn't even vegetarian, halfmanhalfbeer will grumble about including fruit, and Candace will claim to have difficulty getting the ingredients necessary to feed a family the size of hers. WHATEVER.

It's cuming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees, and your all stuck looking for that special present that will distinguish itself from all others under the tree. You can't go wrong with a cookbook full of attractive food pictures surely? Well, yes you can if you decide to buy your aged grey-haired mother the Natural Harvest Cookbook.

The subtext on the cover is a bit of a giveaway - it is indeed a collection of semen based recipes. Now, that may raise a few questions in your mind. It sure as hell did in mine. So I went to the website to get some more information. I cannot do better than to quote the publicity blurb that promotes the book:-

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.

It is difficult to make this sort of stuff up. I'm especially fond of the comment that semen remains neglected as a food. Can't think why that is.

There is another website listed that I am just too nervous to click on. If anyone does decide to go here, please let me know what you find out. The good news for Guttermunki is that apparently you don't run the risk of protein depletion if you decide to cater a cocktail party for 24.

Just one thought - if you do run out, please don't go to the neighbours house with a measuring cup and ask for a loan. Especially if you're living next to me....

It's the service that makes all the indifference

2008-12-15T20:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, it has to be admitted that I am not one of natures natural suit wearers. If you listen to SWMBO you might justifiably conclude that I am not one of natures natural clothes wearers (SWMBO: "You went out dressed like that??!!" Moi: "Eh?" - I lapse into French when I'm feeling sartorial). I do own a suit. One. Just don't know what colour it is. Or style. But it is mine, nonetheless.

Now, thanks to the madness that is LSWMBOs impending nuptials I am condemned to own another suit. So on Black Friday (how appropriate) we took a family outing to Joseph A. Banks to do the deed. Mr Happy got set up apart from the alterations (to the suit, not him) which will take 2 weeks from Monday and that seems to always be 2 weeks from Monday. I needed new trousers as SWMBO wanted me in flat fronts. Probably to hide my not-so-flat-front. But they needed to be ordered speshul and so there was a delay until Saturday.

So on Saturday I went up to be greeted by the most bored-and-disinterested salesbloke I have ever encountered. It wasn't as if the store was busy - he was able to spurn me personally as soon as I walked through the door. As he scoped me for alterations - and I think it would have been cheaper to have plastic surgery to fix all my deviations rather than fit the suit to my deformities - he managed to indicate that he would much rather be somewhere else. Which is something I agreed with him about - I'd rather one of us had been somewhere else. Probably me.

But eventually he had endured my presence long enough to separate me from my money and go and inflict his particular brand of ennui on some other unsuspecting soul. So, if you want to feel that nostalgic buzz that is British customer service from the 80s, then take a quick trip to Jos A. Banks and get unceremoniously apathetised by their salesman. Oh yes - they sell suits as well.

But to more pleasant things - music. And a word of warning - one of these videos contains some blurry scenes that may not be entirely suitable for certain people; the sort of people who don't read all this tripe. I wish I had discovered African music earlier as there is so much amazing music to be found in that continent. Given all their trials and tribulations it makes it even more remarkable. One of the main names down that way is the great Salif Keita. Remarkable because of his royal heritage and his albinoism he is a great voice with a somewhat patchy recording record. But when he's hot he is dynamite and the album Moffou is hot.

And Madan is one of the best tracks. Youtube has two versions of it and both are worth a look. The fingerfu.... remix (pardon me) is shorter and has a hysterical video:-

While the original is longer and shows the man himself with a lot of people having more fun than is reasonable with the instruments they have:-

Enjoy.

Something that only needs one comment - huh?

2008-12-14T20:40:00.002-05:00

Strange as it may seem I have some very respectable friends. And I don't mean respectably unrespectable like TMO, but people who don't sell their souls for mechanical problems on American Airlines.

One of them (MMG) is a counselor and, when you meet her, you fully understand why. It all makes sense. And another (RFOZ) is a life-coach. Again - when you meet her you understand why. She's one of the most balanced and normal people I know. Hmm, re-reading that it sounds like damning with faint praise. But RFOZ is a good'un and so I was intrigued when she included a link to a video clip. And it turned out to be this ~~Broncos~~ gem:-

My only worry is why the ref is dressed like that (and why RFOZ didn't notice). Any clues?

Why does the sun rise every day?

2008-12-10T20:18:00.002-05:00

I know that's a question that is on all your minds. Well, both of you. Now I can reveal the true reason - yes, it's Gordon Brown, the UK Prime Minister! Now I know that isn't the most obvious reason and may come as a surprise to many of you. But it's true and now he has come out and admitted that he has saved the world on at least one occasion recently:-

So tomorrow, if when the sun comes up, just remember to say thank you to El Gordo. He's out there rooting for all of us.

Tweetdeck - a cure for constipation

2008-12-08T20:59:00.003-05:00

So how many of you suffer from Twitter constipation? It's an issue that starts small and then slowly builds and gets you down. Maybe I should explain...

Twitter is one of those apps that you look at and go 'huh'? It gives you 140 characters to make your point, you can sign up to follow people and don't need their permission, and then you can...then you can...well, that's about it I think. So it took me a while to get the point of Twitter. But then I began to get it and signed up to follow a larger pool of people...and that's when the constipation set in.

The problem is that people tweet at different frequencies. Some, like Brad, tweet when they are hungry or pissed off at the Broncos - which is surprisingly infrequent all things considered. Then there is one chap I follow who tweets every 5 seconds or so - hence his posts drown out Brad's little nuggets of wisdom and greed. And I don't know of a good way of filtering the lists down to a plausible list.

And that's where Tweetdeck comes in. It's a free download that provides a spiffy interface that lifts and separates (no wait, that's my brassiere. Bother) your tweets into separate columns so you can see the things directed directly at you from your replies, from...I'm sure it does more but I've only had it for an hour. But it looks neat and I'm looking forward to playing with it a bit more. Very cool.

So, if your Twitter is feeling a bit congested then take one Tweetdeck and you'll be back and running in a matter of moments.

Or, as it's a Monday you can ingest some rather cool music. This is part 2 of the "I know this artist" series. Actually it's a friend of mine and the daughter of 2 more friends of mine. Lauren Zettler is a young singer (hell, they're all young relative to me) who has a really cool voice and has a variety of good videos on youtube. Here is one of them....

Oh yes, and Brad...her father is 350lbs of bulging muscle....

It's that time again....

2008-12-07T22:23:00.002-05:00

Bit of a delay on the posting front. After I recovered from the shock of getting thepromiseofasuit it was time to get ready for a quick trip to Oregon on business. Four of us went out there, but somehow we managed to lose in each direction - stand-by seating and an unfortunate side trip to the ladies.

I've been lucky enough to go out to Oregon three(?) times and it always amazes me what a pretty place it is. This time we had a chance to see a little bit more of it than I had on previous trips, primarily because we got lost and took a rather scenic detour. I think I've worked out that we drove 20 miles to cover 4 miles of interstate. There goes my carbon footprint.

But the return was a brutal reminder of what the Midwest has to offer - white stuff and biting winds. So the weekend was spent huddling up and disgorging my Gmail account. Hopefully things will return to normal next week. Now, what was normal like again? Ah yes, normal is a place where you can buy things like this....

Black Friday

2008-11-28T21:29:00.005-05:00

Black humour for a Black Friday - thanks to the miracle of SEO the first link you see when you Google 'Black Friday' is 'Black Friday at Walmart' - depressingly appropriate, no?

Today is a good day to stay as far away from the shops as you can. But needs must when ~~the devil drives~~ SWMBO sees an advertisement for suits. Let me say up front - I am not a suit man. I do have a suit and it sits in glorious isolation 'neath a cover in my closet. It's of uncertain age (at least 16 that we recall), and even of uncertain colour. Or at least - I can't remember what colour it is. But I do own one.

Owning one is no longer sufficient thanks to LSWMBO's decision to get spliced in the 2nd global depression. I now need to own 2 suits. And Mr Happy has to own a suit too - same reason. So when SWMBO saw that JoBanks was running a sale then we had to turn out to increase our personal suit count by one apiece.

Now......heading to the mall on Black Friday requires heavy preparation.

The obvious way was the frontal assault from the Northwest - short and direct. But also obvious to everyone round here (all of whom are assumed to be going to JoBanks to buy suits). It leads to the better located parking so the great, potentially unwashed, masses will go that way. It also runs the risk of being outflanked by rabid Best Buy sales freaks who will be screaming through the lights and crashing into people, same as on every Saturday afternoon.

The alternative is a sneaky backdoor attack. This brings the element of surprise as you come in from the wrong end and have a longer walk as the parking is further away. So, no-one will expect you to come from that direction. Could be a good approach?

In the end we decided on the full frontal approach. We set out at 0920 and....were there by 0930 and parked by 0935. Where the hell was everyone? There was barely a soul to be seen. We walked into the place and were served immediately. Two suits (well, one being altered and one on order to be altered) and a crimson cashmere scarf (hey it was $29 and very soft - just like me) later we were sitting in Starbucks wondering at (a) our good fortune, and (b) where what was left of my fortune (ha!) was going.

Weird. Anyone else go out today?

There are more things in heaven and earth...

2008-11-25T21:26:00.004-05:00

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

than are dreamt of in your philosophy"
Hamlet Act 1, scene 5

Today has been a day to ponder interesting things. There was a lengthy discussion about one particular bug that has evolved an arsenal of ways of protecting itself against all the nasties in it's little world. Consequently it has become quite a nasty little booger in its own right. So how did it do it? We decided that creationism was a reasonable answer. We know it's not right, but it saves a lot of aggravation......in fact it's not a bad answer for just about any issue that you can't solve any other way.

Where did the dinosaurs come from and go to? Creationism.
How did life on earth start? Creationism.
Why do feet smell? Creationism.
What caused the financial crisis? Creationism.

And then at the other end of the cosmic scale there is this:-

There is a really cool site that shows the 10 most amazing pictures taken by the Hubble telescope in its 16 years snooping at the universe. I hadn't seen this one - No. 4 - The Cat's Eye Nebula - but some of the others are more familiar. The whole set is staggering and can be seen here.

Young Billy Shakespeare was right on the money but didn't know the half of it....

The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Starts With A Single Step

2008-11-24T20:18:00.005-05:00

But one step is all you really need to fall arse over tit. Today was not a good day - not because I had a bad discussion - that got punted due to other priorities. And let me tell you, a hair shirt is bad enough for one day let alone two.

But there was a lot of stuff in today in various shapes and forms. And then I got home to find that SWMBO had had a crappy day too. Maybe, it's a 3 day week and so 5 days worth of crud is getting compacted into 3? Maybe the Gods of Small Things decided to get it all out of the way at the beginning of the week? I do hope so and that my blood sacrifice to them does the trick....

But music. A while ago I mentioned a sampler CD that I had picked up - Compounds + Elements; An Introduction to All Saints Records. If you are into exploring a variety of modern post-ambient(?) music and don't mind shelling out $2.99 for 18 tracks of quality (I think that means "cheap like me") then this is a good CD for you. It encouraged me to part with more money for Marconi Union's "Distance" CD and I learnt to love Djivan Gasparyan even if I can't spell his name.

But, with snow on the way, there is one track that seems appropriate - Vacabou's rather excellent To Russia In White. What seems rather odd is that the video was filmed in Mallorca. But I just love the track....

The annual journey

2008-11-23T21:40:00.006-05:00

Ok, so I am preparing for my performance review tomorrow (it'll probably be on youtube - just look for "video nasty"). You may do this annual fertility cycle where you work - mine usually resembles a journey. Think 'the retreat from Moscow'.....

It all starts off at the beginning of the year when we sit down and write down our expectations for the year. This always looks something like this...

It all seems so clear. We start from a point and progress smoothly towards the end of the year. Sounds reasonable enough, so we set sail on the journey...

Fortunately I have a good group of people round me...Inevitably things don't go quite as smoothly as we would like. In fact the first 'oh smeg' moment usually happens around the time that you save the plan. The 'oh smegs' come in a variety of forms. Some are pretty obvious....

Others are a bit tricksy and are actually worse than they look....

While others just seem to come out of nowhere....

And others are just plain weird (but might be fun?)....
But these are just the routine trials and tribulations that beset us all during the year and none of them are too bad once the rope burns heal (that's my story and you're stuck with it). But just occasionally something comes up that is a real OH SMEG....
At this point it may be necessary to do a bit of a rethink, and just maybe drive all the snakes from the island. No, hang on a minute. That was Patrick. Don't bother with the snakes bit. It's time to take to the lifeboats....And after a long and arduous haul we get back on track. At least most of us do - occasionally the cabin-boy gets lost en route:- Wait - is that the cabin-boy? That explains a lot. But eventually we arrive at our destination at the end of the year and we chart our smooth and linear progress to our destination:-
And then we plan to do it all again next year. Fun isn't it?

The good and bad of customer service in America

2008-11-22T20:50:00.004-05:00

The other day I came across a motherlode of quality video clips - the Business Innovation Factory -4 Collaborative Innovation Summit. I found them through a Twitter feed from Kathy Sierra and was poring over them last night after SWMBO had retired for the night.

One of them caught my eye for all the wrong reason. It's a talk on customer service by Tony Hsieh of Zappos.com. Now I live under a rock and so had never heard of him (SWMBO tells me he's been on Oprah but I watch something more intellectual than that while working out) - but we had got a catalogue from Zappos that day and so I was vaguely intrigued. So I watched all ~30 minutes of it. And it's frankly bloody brilliant. If you think customer service is greeting someone at the door and trying to persuade them to have physical intimacy with you (at least I assumed that was their purpose), then watch this and think again....

After listening to Tony Hsieh speak I actually wanted to buy something from Zappos - come to think of it I even wanted to work for them. They get it!

So fresh with this view of customer service I went out today to post the annual parcel back home. Normally my approach is to go to the post office, stand in line for a long time, do the deed, go home, piss and moan about the queue, rince, lather, repeat. But SWMBO suggested I go to the UPS store as the queue is shorter, they give you more options, and are nicer. O-k.

So I head up there and get greeted by the rather surly bugger who sold me the box. I stick it on the scales and he politely informs me that it will cost $171 to get it home. Now I must admit that the words "That's bloody ridiculous" were out of my mouth fairly quickly. But at least the filter between my brain and mouth was working as my brain had it phrases rather more graphically.

He paused for a minute and then said 'Alternatively you could send it USPS and it will be $75' - a small piece of information that he seemed reluctant to part with. This ticks me for any number of reasons - if I was someone who had no clue how much postage costs to the UK I might be out nearly $100 needlessly. Also, here was someone who was not looking out for the customer, just for himself.

So, in future, it's a trip to the post office. Unless Zappos will send my parcel for me - d'ya think????

Change of topic - it's time to throw up a 'must have' item for your Christmas shopping list. Now many of you will be looking out for this years celebratory caganer, your merry festive Yuletide Catalan shitter figure. And who else would it be this year but a rather constipated looking Barack Obama. Oddly enough John McCain doesn't seem to have been immortalised in this way, so maybe losing isn't all bad.

But no, there is a worse suggestion this year courtesy of (of all places) Sur La Table. If you're having some friends over for a drinks party and want to serve some appetisers, then might I recommend the Penguin Dip Bowl and Spreader. This attractive little dish is a sure-fire winner:-

I am sure your guests would like nothing better than to eat their yummy fish dip from what looks to be a ceramic disembowelled penguin. Next time you watch March of the Penguins you will get an idea of what those fluffy babby penguins were dining on when mummy or daddy did the regurgitation trick.....

Of course if you have an obliging zoo on your doorstep you might be able to get a real dead penguin to use as an authentic serving vessel, but the rest of us will just have to make do. Unless of course Zappos.....where did I put that catalogue?

Match of the day

2008-11-21T21:26:00.002-05:00

At the end of the week, it sometimes feel like this...

Now go back and watch it again and notice what the player in blue chooses to protect. Good idea, but....

Working on my performance summary

2008-11-20T21:24:00.002-05:00

Where's this guy when I need him:-

If ever there was a guy who could do a performance plan properly, Joe the Despot was the man. His approach was simple - create a 5 year plan, run it and screw it up, then re-write history to make it fit the state you ended up in. Brilliant.

Unfortunately (?) there is a downside to this approach - you have to kill everyone who disagrees with your new retrospective performance plan or who can remember things accurately. And in 21st century corporate America this is still frowned upon. A little.

It's a dilemma to be sure.

If it's $200 for the starter how much for the main course?

2008-11-17T21:40:00.003-05:00

How much would you pay for a plate of 4 samosas....like these guys......

If you answered $204 then you are correct, and completely unhinged. But that's how much a Dutch couple in Bihar were persuaded to pay for a plate of 4 'special' samosas laced with aphrodisiac herbs. Given their unusual provenance they somewhat reluctantly parted with 10,000 rupees.

I can only assume they didn't work because they went to complain to the police, who went back to the shopkeeper and got their change - 9,900 rupees.

But to music. I know a couple of people who make music and pretty damn good music at that. The bass player of Eisenhower Field Day was trundling away on the elliptical trainer next to me - she was moving a bloody sight faster than I was it has to be said. Good local band (no bloody idea where the name comes from!) and here's one of their tracks:-

Previewing the new Doctor Who

2008-11-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

David Tennant has announced his intention to mutate out of the role of Doctor Who, a part he has played with great success for 3 seasons. So there is intense speculation as to who will step into his shoes and, thanks to MMG, we have the new guy here:-

Well, what the hell else is he going to do when he's sworn out of office? For more ideas the rest of the article can be found here and it's well worth a look!

Soon he won't have to worry about Monday mornings - seeing as how he'll be a Timelord and all. Not that I'm certain he worries about it now.

Virtually ridiculous

2008-11-14T20:57:00.003-05:00

By Friday I am getting s-l-o-w. Even slower than normal. So when I came across this news story I went 'huh?'. So I re-read it and went 'huh?' again. Then - well you get the picture.

The hunky chap in the picture above is Dave Pollard aka Dave Barmy. In 2003 he met Amy Taylor in an online chat room and they clicked. And got married, sharing a love of Second Life.

But the course of virtual true love never did run smooth and soon Ms. Pollard aka Laura Skye began to suspect Dave of being virtually unfaithful. So she hired a virtual dick to trail Mr Barmy and see if he too was being a virtual dick. And of course he was - indeed he was caught in virtual flagrante delicto with the virtually delectable red-headed haystack above. And no virtual Viagra was involved.

So she dumped him, both virtually and *gasp* in real life. Now do you understand why I was struggling with this story.......???

And in case this is still making sense, this is a photo of Dave Barmy (with Laura Skye):-
Does it make sense to you now?

Nope, me neither. Happy weekend one and all.

The inevitable march of scientific progress

2008-11-13T20:20:00.002-05:00

There are moments when I am truly and deeply proud to be a chemist. And while the cynical among you might suggest that chemicals other than endorphins contribute to this feelings, my sentiments are clean and pure and only occasionally a byproduct of the fermentation of sugars by yeast.

But today my little heart swelled with pride (but Lipitor might fix that) when I saw what the Royal Society of Chemistry (and yes I am an MRSC, CChem) was directing all its collective brainpower towards. The perfect Yorkshire pudding. YES!!!!!! Let no-one say that chemistry is useless. You can just go on thinking it. I'm ok with that.

The Royal Society of Chemistry has decreed that a Yorkshire pudding must be no less than four inches (10cm) if it is to be worthy of the name; any less, and the dish cannot be properly said to have risen.

Dr John Emsley, a chemist who himself hails from Yorkshire, was asked to draw up the definitive recipe and dimensions after the society was contacted by an expatriate cook struggling to produce the delicacy in his Colorado kitchen. Dr Emsley’s consultations with colleagues across the country led the Royal Society of Chemistry to conclude that the best specimens were no less than 4in high. He declined to disclose the precise methodology of the investigation.

For any of you thinking that chemists don't have soul he describes it in evocative terms..."To translate the ingredients into chemical terms, these are carbohydrate + H2O + protein + NaCl + lipids."

Yummy yum yum. I cannot wait for my next exciting dinner of roast beef, roast potatoes, and carbohydrate + H2O + protein + NaCl + lipids. Can you??

Faces of heroism

2008-11-11T20:46:00.005-05:00

Today marks the 90th anniversary of the ending of the First World War. The Great War. The War To End All Wars. Sigh, how quickly we forget. Today is the day on which we should pause to remember those who gave their lives so that we can enjoy ours. A day to remember.

And yet there are still heroes out there, but fewer with every passing year. Over here there is just one survivor of World War I - former private Frank Buckles of West Virginia, now 107 years old.

And back home there are 3 - ironically one from each of the major services:-

The laughing chap in the beret is 108 year old Navy veteran Bill Stone. Behind him is 110 year old Army veteran Harry Patch. But they are mere whippersnappers when compared to the gentleman on the left - 112 year old Henry Allingham, the last WWI survivor of the fledgeling RAF. Heroism is undimmed by the passage of time; Mr. Allingham tried to stand so he could place a wreath on the Cenotaph.

These are heroes. True heroes. And we should not forget them. The world will be a sadder place for their passing.

I will put in a music clip for a second night in a row. After 9-11 there was a Promenade Concert - the focus of the evening shifted to music that we reach back to at times of mourning and remembrance. While they weren't intended that way they have become part of our national conscience over time. For Brits that piece is Nimrod, the ninth of Elgar's variations. And it is beautiful...

Pornography

2008-11-10T21:17:00.003-05:00

I've never seen Little House on the Prairie, but I hadn't realised that it was unsuitable for me - seeing as I am so young. But apparently the movie of this childrens' classic is "Banned for under-18s". In Finland anyway.

Before you all rush out and rent the movie and plan a sex-crazed evening with this, the love of your life, and your melamine-laden chocolate nipple spread I should explain. Universal Pictures are somewhat cheap and so decided not to pay the 2 euros ($2.57) per minute fee for determining it's suitability for young audiences. And so it gets slapped with the worst rating and should not be exposed to your children.

Of course it may be that this still meets your version of 'a good time' - if so..... never mind.

But this has zero to do with the music choice for the week which is particularly targeted at chocolate-coated Brad. What do you get if you cross Imogen Heap with Enya? The answer would appear to be Emmy Rossum. If the name sounds familiar, she was the lead voice in the film version of Phantom of the Opera and released a CD earlier this year. I stumbled across her through the 5th letter of SLATES - that's just for TMO who gets very excited by these things. If you like Immy, then she is well worth a listen as I think you'll enjoy it. Here's the track I blundered across (but different video):-

Sign of the Times

2008-11-08T20:50:00.003-05:00

New technologies bring new risks, as the picture above clearly shows. No? Well I wouldn't have noticed the minor slip either.

Swansea Council were trying to stop big lorries going down a residential street and so wanted to put up an appropriate sign. They got the English bit down pat, and then sent an email to their local translator for the Welsh version. Which they duly got, had it made into the sign, and got it posted.

It was only then that someone pointed out that that they had posted the Welsh for "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated". Yes, they had posted their translator's out-of-the-office email on their traffic sign. Just classic.

And now to food. It's getting autumnal and so time for a robust stew. This is one such...

Chicken, chorizo and chickpea stew
Ingredients
Serves 10-12
4 medium onions 8 large new season garlic cloves
8 tbsp olive oil
280g sliced chorizo
2 chicken stock cubes
4 x 400g cans organic chickpeas
2kg chicken breast, cut into 1" cubes
2 glasses red wine, approx 350ml
4 x 400g cans chopped tomatoes
2 x 300g jars roasted peppers in oil
1 lemon
1 Tbsp sundried tomato paste
1 bunch coriander

Peel, halve and finely slice the onion. Peel and slice the garlic in wafer-thin rounds. Heat the olive oil in a spacious, heavy-bottomed pan, stir in the onion and garlic, season with salt and cook covered, stirring occasionally, for about 20 min until floppy.

If using chorizo from a whole sausage, run a sharp knife down one side to cut the skin and peel it away. Slice thinly. Dissolve the stock cubes in 1.2 litres of boiling water. Tip the chickpeas into a sieve or colander and rinse thoroughly with cold water. Stir the separated slices of chorizo into the onions, cook for a couple of minutes until it begins to release its oils and colours the onions, then add the chicken. Cook gently, stirring continuously for a few minutes until all the pieces have turned from pink to “white”, allowing about 10 min, then add the wine.

Increase the heat, let it boil up for a few minutes, while you slice the peppers into strips. Add peppers, tomatoes and stock to the pan. Return to the boil, immediately reduce the heat and leave to simmer gently, stirring occasionally, for about 45 min until the chicken is tender and the vegetables have merged into a thick sauce. Stir the drained chickpeas into the stew, reheat, taste and adjust seasoning, adding the tomato paste. Sprinkle with the coriander and serve with crusty bread.

Public service announcement to any and all American readers

2008-11-03T19:43:00.002-05:00

If you haven't already done so.....

VOTE

...early and often.
Thank you.

And while you're doing this a (possibly appropriate) ditty to accompany you. When I was back home last time I snagged 2-3 CDs at random from HMV. One of these was gobsmackingly brilliant and so got overplayed. The other day, much to my embarrassment, I found one of the others hidden under a pile of papers on my desk. So I got it out, stuck it into a CD player, and realised what I was missing. And so I will share you a song that a few years ago might have described the chance of an African-American becoming president..... Elvis Ain't Dead.

Off-Target

2008-10-27T12:54:00.005-04:00

Another beautiful weekend and a bit of a long one as I took Friday off. First odd thing... SWMBO and I go to lunch and the server comes across and starts chatting. And this leads to this snippet of conversation:-
Server: Where are you from?
SWMBO: England.
Server: Congratulations!

Sweet thought, but....eh? What?

And then there is the burning question - does Target actively support sodomy? LSWMBO picked up this advertisement which makes us all wonder....

They should really get a better proof reader, or at least someone who can use a dictionary. You just can't get the staff these days.

The weekend in bloom and retrospect

2008-10-26T19:35:00.002-04:00

It was a good weekend. Saturday was spent removing black and somewhat slippery plants from the garden - a task I always hate. I always vow that I will get the soft plants - basil, tomatoes, and aubergies - before the first frost nicks them and turns them into goop. And this year, like every year before, I failed. So it was an afternoon pulling out the dead and decaying.

So what was good? The rest was good. The Colts didn't lose for a fairly obvious reason. And we went to see David Byrne play down at Butler. Occasionally I think I am a fortunate chap. On other occasios I think I'm a jammy bastard. And this was one of those. SWMBO has no affinity, maybe even negative affinity, with Mr Byrne, Talking Heads, or Mr Eno (Byrne's occasional collaborator). But she agreed to come to the concert with me.

The audience was a bit on the old side and a bit on the rotund side. This is Indiana after all. Byrne was good - very good. He played some of his new release Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, and then dipped back extensively into his history. One of the more remarkable numbers was a live version of Help Me Somebody - remarkable because the original used sampling. And then there were the Talking Heads classics - Once In A Lifetime, Take Me To The River, Burning Down The House, Life During Wartime, and Heaven. And it was.

Today was lunch with LSWMBO, TTO and Adrius42/The Martian Observer. Always good occasions - lunch, wine, conversation, catching up, picking on LSWMBO, watching LSWMBO dislocate Adrius' shoulder. Yep, it was good.

One of the nice things about Adrius is that he is really quite ~~trained by MMG~~ civilised. Every time he comes up he brings a nice bunch of flowers for SWMBO. Today this hit a problem as the flowers were pretty manky, so he had to improvise:-

Sweet really.

Your weekly health warning (Brad, pay attention)

2008-10-20T20:42:00.003-04:00

These are uncertain times in which we live. There are threats all roud us, in the air around us, in the water we drink, in the food we eat, and now in the naughtiness accessories that we, um, lick. Yes, the melamine in milk scandal is plumbing new depths with the warning that this contaminant has been identified in the Ann Summers' range of chocolate sex accessories.

The Food Standards Agency issued an alert over chocolate willy spread, a related nipple spread and a novelty pen set, which contains a chocolate-flavoured body pen, all of which were imported from a Chinese manufacturer called, appropriately enough, Le Bang.

Food safety experts detected levels of melamine were up to 100 times greater than limits set by the European commission - never even knew they regulated willy spread.

Brad Defruiter - you have been warned. Stop licking.....

Um, music. This was a tricky decision (which is a euphemysm for 'buggered if I could think of something). But then I was grubbing about in the car and came across a mixed CD which I stuck in and found a track/video.

There are bands that are named after continents, countries, cities, and even social security forms. But the very excellent bhangra band B21 are named after a UK postal code in the West Midlands where they come from. Originally a trio, in 2002 lead singer Jassi Sidhu split from Bally and Bhota Jagpal in an acrimonious divide to pursue a solo career. Both groups have produced some excellent material but I have to admit that my favorite track is Darshan, and the video is brilliant, complete with what look like The Amazing Dancing Osamas. Good track, especially for an autumnal Monday:-

Moment of realisation

2008-10-16T20:34:00.002-04:00

I shouldn't have eaten that almond candy Sarah gave me.

It's Autumn and getting windy

2008-10-15T20:18:00.003-04:00

At least I hope that's the excuse for the above picture. I don't have bad hair days, at least not in the plural sense, but I feel that if my head was seriously occupied by a haystack I would actually do something about it. Like invest in a comb and a mirror.

Sadly no, this is a creation by Japanese designer Junya Watanabe during his Spring/Summer 2009 women's ready-to-wear fashion collection show in Paris. So all you fashionable ladies out there will be able to race out to the shops and buy one of these soon, and stick it on your head. Then you'll be able to go out, clamber into your cars, and drive home.

And in all likelihood, crash. The good(?) news is that talking on your cell-phone while driving in one of these hats will not increase your chances of having a crash. Don't you feel comforted?

Mummy, tell me it isn't so!!!!!

2008-10-13T21:02:00.003-04:00

I don't know how many of you are totally familiar with the WI (Womens' Institute, Wandering Idiots, Wild Indians ... you choose) beyond the film Calendar Girls, but it is a national institution back home, devoted to the promotion of Jam and Jerusalem. My little grey-haired mother is a regional officer (2nd Lieutenant, Uberstandartenfuhrer or somesuch) for the West Kent WI. I think this means they get on 750 Harleys and tour the streets of Tunbridge Wells intimidating soccer hooligans and Labour Party supporters. They had it coming.

But now they are taking a departure from cooking scones and supporting the Kent County Show. They are producing a sex tips video. You can see it here. I didn't btw - be afraid LSWMBO, be very very afraid.

But leaping back to yesterdays post about passion and folding in Monday music - one of my favorite composers - and one of the least known in my experience - has to be Michael Nyman. He has written a number of stunning soundtracks - Gattaca, The Draughtsman's Contract, The End of the Affair, and the totally delectable Carrington to name a few. But one of the pieces for which he is best known is the romantic, flowing The Heart Asks The Pleasure First. Or better known as the theme from The Piano:-

Happy, passionate Monday

Man or woman - any difference?

2008-10-11T20:50:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I feel the need to go and read poetry - it's just a mood. And when you start reading it you realise that there is truly little new under the sun, and men are little different from women when it comes to love poetry.

Sappho was probably the starting point for romantic poetry (born about 620BC) and, though her poetry only exists in fragments it is rich and wonderful. One of the surviving fragments (31):-

The man who sits across from you

Is almost like a god to me,

And you are rare to listen to—

Your voice, your words.

My heart beats (but my blood is gone)

At the sound of your sweet laugh.

I cannot look at you for long,

I cannot speak.

My tongue is wounded, and a light

Flame runs beneath my skin.

In my eyes there is no sight,

But my ears roar.

Dank sweat and trembling pass

Where my body was before.

I am greener than grass,

I am almost dying.

But courage is enough, because ....

and sadly the rest is lost. But maybe not lost totally because 500 years later the theme is picked up again by Catullus:-

That man seems to me to be equal to a god,

That man, if it is right to say, seems to surpass the gods,

who sitting opposite to you repeatedly looks at you

and hears

your sweet laughter, something which robs miserable me

of all feelings: for as soon as I look

at you, Lesbia, no voice remains

in my mouth.

But the tongue is paralyzed, a fine fire

spreads down through my limbs, the ears ring with their

very own sound, my eyes veiled

in a double darkness.

Idleness, Catullus, is your trouble;

idleness is what delights you and moves you to passion;

idleness has proved ere now the ruin of kings and

prosperous cities.

Beautiful

Something light for the end of the week

2008-10-10T21:49:00.003-04:00

After a two year visit to the United States ,
Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy ......

A ray of hope for Republicans after the debate

2008-10-08T21:06:00.001-04:00

There is still time - you can still contribute. Click here.

I am not alone?

2008-10-06T21:41:00.003-04:00

I have a work group - unruly, argumentative, disrespectful, obstreperous. And that's just the high-performing motivated one. But I can draw some consolation that I am not alone. Not at all, as Randstad USA reported that the majority of US workers think their boss is a worthless piece of pond-scum. Or something like that....

The Internet survey of 2,337 people also found only 43 percent think their boss is open to new ideas and only 47 percent were willing to work overtime to impress their boss and create more job security for themselves.

Less than 30 percent believed their bosses were fulfilling their roles as motivators, role models or mentors.

So, I can draw consolation as they beat me into a pulp that somewhere out there I have people who I can relate too. The only down-side is that I think they're all worthless pieces of pond-scum. Damn.

I know one of you lives down Austin way. Or I think you do. Well, if you get a chance, can you go and see these guys and tell me what you think of them...

White Ghost Shivers seem to be a local band (local to there) that cover 20s/30s tunes - cabaret, hillbilly, vaudeville. It all looks pretty odd, but well worth a listen. Enjoy.

Ok, so whose fault is it?

2008-10-05T20:19:00.004-04:00

Look, it's the bloody Holy Land? How the hell do you lose that?

This place is on the verge of a crisis of mammoth proportions. Real money and egos are involved and it is impacting the lives of everyday people, including Joe Sixpack, Joe Namath, and Joe 90. At least, it's really pissing off the neigbours. Yes, the good people of Carmel are being deprived of their ability, their first amendment rights (check it out it's in the small print) to watch the Colts live on TV!!!!

The perpetrators of this crime against Carmelity are, in the blue corner, the local cable company - Brighthouse Networks - and, in the red corner, the parent company of the local CBS affiliate - LIN TV.

Inevitably it's all a highly principled discussion of ethics, standards, moral integrity. Oh yes, and money. I knew that was in there somewhere. But as a result of this spat, all those people in Brighthouse's care are not receiving CBS. And, as CBS is the station that has the lock on Colt's coverage for 2008, you have to find an alternative. Including me. And the pissed off neighbours.

The alternatives appear to be to join the soup-kitchen lines at the local RadioShack to get an antenna, or sign up for the local Dish service. You know, the one you moved away from when you got pissed off with not being able to watch the idiot-box in the rain.

Or you can use the highly attractive alternative offered by Brathouse. Out of the goodness of their black and shrivelled heart they carried the local radio station who carry the Colts games on the radio. Yes, you too can have cable radio. Or you can just listen to it on your normal radio if you want to show solidarity with the freedom fighters of LIN TV (or are they the oppressive regime of money grubbing bastards? I forget.)

Clearly this is a matter of deep and abiding principle. But, if there is another bail-out bill in the offing, maybe they could squeeze in a few bob for the poor Colt-deprived orphans of Carmel? $700 billion should see us right. In the mean time I could do with a drink.....

Fubar - a state in Washington, not a province in Iraq

2008-10-02T20:22:00.003-04:00

..and is the location above accurate? I guess we'll find out in the next couple of hours.

Washington never fails to amaze. No wait, Washington never fails to appall. In the last couple of weeks the economy has been having minor fiscal problems while the president (George Bush - remember him?) appears on National television, dons his frowny face, and then gives an encore of his Going-Into-Iraq speech with the word Iraq crossed out and the word economy written in with wax crayon. All very serious stuff, time for the end of partisan bickering, rally for the country, and show that they can rise to the occasion.

Fat chance. On Monday we were treated to the spectacle of Eric Cantor (Dick - Virginia) explaining how he couldn't vote for the measure because Nancy Pelosi (Idiot - California) had been rotten to him. Smart move Eric - only cost lots of people $1.2 trillion. I wish my hurt feelings were worth that much.

But then they all went home for a Jewish holiday so one must assume they thought the crisis could keep. And so their congressional colleagues decided that the hole that the House had dug was nice, but just needed to be a little deeper (and possibly shaped at the shoulders). So, they passed the bill and then smeared it all over with lubricating pork grease. Some of this is so egregious that even the Oregon children who will directly benefit from the 39cent tax repeal on wooden arrows designed to save Rose City Archery can recognise it for the crock'o'shit that it is.

So, a 3 page proposal from Hank Paulson has now bloated to a 450 page obscenity that will waddle and lumber into the legislature and potentially the history book. Can they do worse? Stay tuned and keep your antacids handy.....

Is Man An Endangered Species?

2008-10-01T20:21:00.003-04:00

The correct answer is "yes", in case you were wondering....

Men are in danger of dying out at an alarming rate (alarming to men that is). At least they will die out unless they can actually master the art of chatting up women and, according to jezebel.com they have a bloody long way to crawl before that will happen. Fortunately for men they have decided to help us by pointing out some of the things NOT to say, that is NOT TO SAY, when you are attempting to persuade a woman of the opposite gender that having their babies might be a good thing for her. Or at least having a few practise goes at making babies.

As you read these, the men will be cringeing while the women will be muttering "yep, heard that, sure, last Thursday" and the like. Some of the more interesting suggestions-

Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.

The rest can be read here. So, men out there....these are not good things to say to ladies. They don't actually need us any more and those sperm banks that you've been so busy volunteering to fill are totally protected by the FDIC. You have been warned.

So which candidate has the softest, wettest, nose?

2008-09-28T21:29:00.003-04:00

Occasionally, just occasionally, you feel sorry for publishers (and people travelling in the sharp end of AA jets, but only MMG). The publishers of Nature magazine decided it would be timely and a good idea to compare and contrast the current candidates takes on science. And so they ended up on the cover.

Unfortunately they didn't check to see what the advertising department had organised for the back page and to,if you folded out the magazine you get the, um, coincidence above. Clearly Barack Obama looks more hopeful, John Mccain is a trifle grey around the muzzle, and you might want to tickle both of them behind the ears. But do please resist the temptation.....

Haven't done a foody thing for a while and feel I should do something for my Vegan chum out there in the mountains of Colorado (where the women roam free and the dental lettuce is rife). I am a great fan of couscous because, basically, I am unorganised and somewhat lazy. It's easy, fairly forgiving, and a great carrier of flavours. But it can be fairly bland and needs a bit of a lift. So here is a lemon & saffron flavoured couscous:-

Ingredients
1 cup of wholewheat couscous
juice of a lemon
zest of a lemon
water
1 tsp dried mint
1 Tbsp. brown mustard seeds
A few strands of saffron (or 1/2 teaspoon of turmeric)

Read the instructions on the couscous (yes, I know you're a guy, but go out on a limb just this once). See how much water is required and measure that out less the amount of lemon juice you have.

Mix the water and lemon juice and add the saffron & mint. Heat to a boil, add the couscous and lemon zest, and set to one side for 5 minutes (or until your carefully read instructions say it's done).

When the couscous has absorbed the liquid, heat a dry frying pan over medium-high heat. Add the mustard seeds and heat until they begin to pop. Put the couscous (mix it all up) into a warmed serving dish and pour the mustard seeds over the top. Serve and enjoy.

10,000 cents of coolness

2008-09-25T21:11:00.002-04:00

This is very cool and I don't think needs any drivel from me.....

And not a lipstick in sight

2008-09-24T21:12:00.002-04:00

While the politicos may, or may not, take a few days off to salvage the global economy their un-lipsticked chums are busy salvaging the Royal Melbourne Show. If memory serves me correctly this shot is Ham Bone, Bacon Bone and Miss Porky Chop having a jolly race to entertain my Antipodean chums.

These little porkers are one-hit wonders and their names give a pretty clear indication of their future. But for now they're really quite cute and amusing. Tomorrow we can go back to Mr Loser and Mr Personwhoreallywisheshehadn'twon.

And yes, Candace I am still thinking aloo gobi.

Smegheads

2008-09-22T20:39:00.002-04:00

It's the time of year when the hummingbirds are bulking up for the flight South. They pack on weight, getting to all of 6.5g in preparation for the big journey. We (well, SWMBO) have a feeder that contains 32 fl. oz. of concentrated sugar water. In a reasoned and reasonable society, any hummingbird would realise that thay cannot possibly consume all that and sharing could be to the benefit of everyone.
Little Miss Smeggy in the picture isn't very reasonable and feels that (a) she can down all 32oz in one go if people wouldn't bug her all the time, and (b) even if she can't she'll be buggered if she's going to let anyone else have a go. And so she just sits, glowers, and chases off all-comers. Thank God she doesn't drive a Vauxhall Nova, I say!

But "why a Vauxhall Nova?" I hear you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. There was an unusual road-rage incident recorded back home recently. Serena Sutton-Smith, 54, a Nova driver, pulled out in front of another motorist and almost hit them. Feeling aggrieved that this person was on her road (Maybe she'd been drinking sugar-water), she then rammed the other car. This was still insufficient to fully express her annoyance and so she sat there and floored her accelerator. She spun the wheels so fast that her tyres disintegrated and the metal rims sent a shower of sparks into the engine, igniting the brake fluid and setting the car on fire.
Onlookers tried to help her, but she told them repeatedly to fuck off. And they did, because they didn't want to get burnt to death in the conflagration. She, apparently did.

The coroner's verdict was accidental death. I wonder if he was stifling a laugh when he said it.

But on to way more pleasurable things - music. I'm still trying to work out whether Scarlet Johansen doing an album of Tom Wait covers is a really bad idea, a good idea that didn't quite work for me, or something else entirely. I'm always suspicious of actors (like Shatner) who think they have something to contribute to the field of music. Usually muck-spreading....

But I do have a sneaking ~~lust~~ respect for some of Minnie Driver's efforts. She actually can sing and write so, while not all her stuff is top dollar, she can turn out a cracking track. And this one actually made it onto my slower compilation, even though I don't really know what happens after she sings "I wanna lay down by you..." as my brain is usually screaming "yes" at that point. Hmm, we should discuss Colin Firth and the 'it isn't really adultery, honest' list at some point. But for now, my brain wants to scream and I see no reason to stop it:-

Man, that creator has a lot to answer for....

2008-09-18T21:59:00.003-04:00

If there really was an argument against creationism I cannot think of better arguments than Kirk John Thompson and Antonio Vasquez. If they are truly the result of intelligent design, then the creator is dumber than I ever gave him credit for.

Let's consider Kirk John Thompson. Or, more accurately, Kirk John Thompson RIP. Kirk was a petty criminal who decided to go out and steal copper one day. He decided that the way to do this was to take copper wire and headed out with a few chums and a pair of bolt cutters. He found an appropriate cable and set to work. And that's where the nasty smell began.
Unfortunately for Kirk, the cable in question was still connected to the National Grid and so had a few volts running through it. 11,000 volts to be a bit more specific. And they then decided not to go dwn the wire but rather to head to earth through the hapless Kirk. Score one for Darwin?

And as for Antonio....this one is just plain weird. As The Daily Telegraph put it:-

A man who allegedly broke into the home of two farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one of the men with spices and whacked the other with a sausage has been arrested.

Now that's not something you see in the papers too often and it may be innacurate. I read somewhere else that he actually used an oregano rub on them, so strictly he used herbs and spices. But that may be nit-picking.
This was a relatively easy crime to solve. Firstly, Antonio was found in a field nearby wearing a t-shirt, boxers, and socks. And probably smelling deliciously spicy. It didn't say whether he still had the sausage with him. And secondly, his wallet with ID was found in the house. You don't need Ms. Marple when you have such bright and gifted criminals to deal with. And he is clearly also part of God's wonderful creation. Boy, she has a lot to answer for.
I just hope people in prison don't see the wurst in Antonio.

But does it take a village?

2008-09-15T21:05:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how long it takes for a holiday to wear off for everyone out there - took about 2 hours for me, which isn't bad all in all. But I have the dentist tomorrow morning so that should be the great leveller.

So we'll dwell on something Monday rather than mundane. What do you get when you mix together the Afro Celt Sound System, Paul Weller, Billy Bragg, traditional folk heroes like Martin and Eliza Carthy, and The Transglobal Underground:-

Well, if you have your hand up going "Oooh ask me, me....a bloody awful mess" you might have a point. And be completely wrong.

What you get is the Imagined Village, a project designed to produce modern folk music that represents modern multiculturalism in the United Kingdom and as such features musicians from a wide variety of ethnic and cultural backgrounds. Ok, that sounds like bullshit and was cut-and-pasted from Wikipedia. But you get fascinating re-works of English folk classics. As someone who was corrupted with Steeleye Span in the early days of my music tastes (and still go back and listen to Please To See The King on occasion) this is pretty fascinating material and I'm intrigued to hear more. But for now it's another snippet of Later With Jools Holland and a track that may be an augury of what is to come - Cold, Haily, Windy Night.

but not with the naughty bits.

Run Away!!!!

2008-09-14T20:32:00.003-04:00

It's difficult to have a beach holiday when the beach goes away. We went down to Orange Beach, Alabama to sit on the beach, read, and vegetate. Oh yes, and to watch The Weather Channel to see where Ike was going to.

So on Tuesday things look like this:-

By this point I was 3 books in and doing ok. By Thursday it looked more like this:-

And no, that isn't me in the picture this time. I hadn't eaten that much. So, we bailed and headed for home (through the suicidal bug zone on I-65 South of Montgomery) a day early.

And of course Ike went through Texas and then swung North to go through Indiana... but nothing compared to what those poor buggers down there went through.

Back to work tomorrow.

So who the hell is Brian Eno? And nailbitingly slow answers

2008-09-04T19:55:00.002-04:00

Well, this is who he was... ...and this is who he is....

Alan asked who Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno actually is, apart from his prominent position in NYT crosswords. Eno is a musician, producer, and lecturer who first came to popular attention as the keyboards player for Roxy Music, wearing all the trappings of glam-rock. After their first 2 albums, Roxy Music and For Your Pleasure, he left and went solo. His first outing , Here Come The Warm Jets, was with the Winkies and had a very raw punk feel. Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy) was a very polished album in comparison, and then he threw my musical tastes a complete curve ball with the very electronic Another Green World. Before and After Science was very much in that vein before he went completely into ambient music but came back more into the vocal side of things recently with Just Another Day.

He has collaborated and produced records with a huge variety of people - Bowie, U2, David Byrne, CLuster, John Cale, Harold Budd to name a few. But I enjoy his vocal albums the most - he has a great voice, amazing lyrical sense, and a consistent vein of innovation that continues to amaze and delight me. Oh yes, he's also a hero of mine.....

And now for the most delayed response to a question - this one from nailbiter who asked "How about loaning the surplus and the original amount again to someone else who really needs it ?" when I mentioned that a kiva loan had repaid. I guess I didn't really answer as the question seemed a bit snitty at the time. Also I had resent the money to a new loan and somehow ended up also sponsoring a woman looking to supply pre-natal care in Sierra Leone and a man with a cow near Tyre. Not certain about that last one, but it is a pretty cow. And alcohol was involved.

But that's not the point. The point of all this is that kiva have changed the way funds are released back to donors. It used to be that the loan had to be paid off until they would allow you to reuse your part of it. So it could be lend $25, wait 18 months, get $25 back, rinse, lather, repeat. Now funds are paid back to you as the loan is repaid in stages - this may lower kiva's cashflow but allows you the chance to recycle the money you have there more rapidly. And that is a fun and good thing. And I did do that Mr or Ms nailbiter, just in case you're wondering. I did consortia this time btw......

Off on my hols tomorrow morning - heading out to thread the eye of hurricanes. So this blog will be even slower then normal. Take care and be good while I'm away.

Optimism

2008-09-02T20:16:00.002-04:00

One of the things I like about Americans is their overwhelming sense of optimism - even after 8 years of W they still seem like a generally perky nation. And last week I got a prime example of that national character in action.

The local rubbish collectors round here will take just about anything away every week, but there is a cardinal rule - it must fit inside the supplied blue wheelie bin. It may extend 5 stories high out of the top of the bin, but - if it can be made to go into the bin they will cart it away. This came in particularly useful the other year when we had the plague of giraffes. Last years hippo invasion wasn't anywhere near as pleasant - didn't fit in the bin and smelt to high heaven.

But occasionally new people move in and don't know that rule. So they cart their trash out to the curbside and it just sits there, unmoved and unloved by either the trashmen or it's erstwhile owner. Last week this object appeared down the road:-

Not so much Chippendale as chipboard. And it was there the following day, complete with what looked like an unpainted window frame propped up against it. Obviously the binmen didn't pick it up and the owner couldn't be arsed to drag it back inside.

And there it seemed to be for a few days. And then the sign appeared.

Now you can see the sign in the very bad photo. Out of curiosity I had a peek at it, assuming it would say something like "Free to a good home", or somesuch. But NO!!!! This object has a price set for it - and not $5 or $10, but the princely sum of $75. I mean $75????????? I just had to slow down and get a photo in case any of you out there are going for that industrial look in your living room and think that you might be interested? Let it never be said I don't think of my readers.

On second thoughts - do you think that's how much they'll pay to have it taken away? Just a thought.

Sledgehammer dinner

2008-09-01T20:46:00.003-04:00

Why, oh why, can't I remove the familiar refrains of Peter Gabriel's 1986 (1986, oh my god!) video classic from my head. Maybe it's because today we tried chicken on a beer can. Actually our neighbour did it the other week and it smelt pretty darn good. So today I tried it.
Before:-
After:-

It was pretty successful - moist and quite intriguing. I used a Moroccan style rub (cumin, paprika, coriander, cayenne, lemon peel) and the result was quite tasty. Worth a try - but the foil leggings might have been a bit of overkill as it didn't dry out very much at all.

And note to David - I love the idea of deciding the next election with a dance-off. Maybe mix it in with an air-guitar competition? Could make it a lot more interesting, cheaper, and shorter.

Which sorta segues to the Monday music. I love SWMBO - not least of which because she will tolerate some of my musical tastes. And she has agreed to go to see David Byrne when he plays Indy next month. I am really excited to see him for any number of reasons. In particular he is touring in support of his new collaboration with Brian Eno, Everything That Happens Will Happen Today. It's 27 years since their last collaboration My Life In The Bush of Ghosts, and one track in particular seems appropriate with all the election jiggery-pokery going on. America Is Waiting.....

Can Blue Men Sing The Whites?

2008-08-31T22:38:00.003-04:00

One or two very very old people may remember that. Maybe they can, but can they dance? The recent outing for the DNC gave a golden opportunity for the Democrats a chance to reveal their platform, rally the faithful, convince the waverers, and prove they can dance better than the Republicans (not a group renowned for their sense of rhythm).

Well they may have achieved some of these lofty goals but I think the jury is out on the last - at least until the Republican Mirrorball contest this week. Just take a look:-

As Re-flex put it....

The politics of dancing
The politics of ooo feeling good
The politics of moving
Is this message understood

Message received and misunderstood...

Irritated shellfish time

2008-08-25T20:31:00.003-04:00

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And a heaven in a wild flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.

Auguries of Innocence - William Blake

I don't know if that's quite what he meant, but it seemed like a good quote for the day. Well, tomorrow is amazement day for 2008. Yes, SWMBO has just about tolerated me for another year and I am a lucky boy. What is more, this is our 30th - yes, as my mother was quick to point out, that is amazing (not very subtle is my grey haired old mummy) - and that makes it officially our Pearl Anniversary. At least is in in the olde listing of named anniversaries. If you want to raise a glass in toast - the correct time is 4.30pm British Summer Time, so around about 11.30am in local money. Please feel free to explain to your employer why you are drinking heavily. I'm sure they'll understand. Unless you slur your words badly.

And as it's such an auspicious day, I'm going to reminisce even more than usual in the music vein. My (it would be grey but most of it fell out)-haired daddy has always been a classical music fan and I was brought up on a diet of Maria Callas and Gilbert and Sullivan. Among his EP (remember them?) collection was a small number of duets by Robert Merrill and Jussi Bjoerling - and among them was a duet of such beauty that it gave me goosebumps then and still does. The video isn't anything to write home about but the music is ethereal and I am having shivers just listening to it. It is, perhaps not surprisingly, Au Fond du Temple Saint from The Pearl Fishers. And it is imo 4 minutes and 40 seconds of heaven.

Come back Walter Hagen, all is forgiven

2008-08-24T21:15:00.004-04:00

No one remembers who came in second - Walter Hagen, dead golfer

If ever there was a quote that summed up the American attitude to sport, it's the one above. Penned by Walter Hagen and occasionally misattributed to Ray reardon, slightly greasy looking snooker player, it captures the spirit of the victor and explains overtime and the sudden death playoff. After all, if a game ends up in a draw, who the hell should you remember?

But maybe Walter is turning in his grave.....

The other day I was idly looking at the top part Olympic medals table, as defined in The Times:-

Ok, that's the chart as I remember it. China is ahead as they have the most people who came first - 51 in all. Then the US some way behind with 36, Russia (not sure if that includes Georgia - what happens if you invade somewhere while the games are on?), and then God's chosen country in 4th.

All tickety-poo, until you stroll across to ESPN and look at their medals table:-

Sorry about the font. But hang on a mo - while 3 and 4 are the same, there seems to be a subtle difference at the top! The grand old USA have beaten out the Peoples' Republic of ~~Walmart~~ China to achieve top spot.

But given that the results are the same, it's clear that the UK and USA have used different measures - The Times rank countries on their winners, while ESPN (and CNN btw) measure success by how many people have made it onto the podium at the end of it all.

So maybe Walter was wrong - you do remember who came second. But only if it helps you to come first

Something to do with a juicy fruit

2008-08-23T21:45:00.002-04:00

Firstly a short moan - bugger, bugger, bugger. This getting old thing sucks (and no, I don't need another Health karma, thank you very much TMO). Over the past couple of weeks my right shoulder has ached. No idea what I did (apart from get old) but it interrupts my beauty sleep. And that's definitely not a good thing. Pretty ugly in fact.

The heat of summer has returned to Indianapolis and brought it's bestest bud humidity with it. So it was mowing the grass while the non-runny suntan lotion seeped inexorably into my eyes. So I was sleep-deprived ugly, with bright red eyes and covered in sweat. What an attractive picture!

Hot times call for cool drinks. One of the great drink accompaniments of Indian food, apart from Kingfisher and Taj Mahal, is the mango lassi. I stole this from Mr Happy - but he stole it in turn from Madhur Jaffrey so I don't feel too bad.

Ingredients
8 fl.oz. plain yoghurt
5oz. chopped flesh from the non-fibrous bit of a peeled mango
2Tbsp. castor sugar
10 ice cubes
few drops rose water (optional)

Method
Pop all the ingredients into a blender and blend till smooth Strain through a sieve, pushing as much liquid through as you can. Split between 2 glasses, decorate with sprigs of mint and serve. Yum. Even good for vegeta~~bles~~rians out in Colorado.

The view from my deck

2008-08-22T20:20:00.001-04:00

Friday.....tired......but a good view.

How not to show your support this election time

2008-08-20T21:26:00.003-04:00

Forget your I Like Ike badges or Maggie, oh yes, oh yes condom selection. If you really want to rally your closest and intimate friends (at least I hope they're your friends and not just casual acquaintances) behind the candidate of change, the the Barack Obama Presidential thong is just the garment for you. For the princely sum of $9.00 you can have the man's name close to your most intimate parts.

This could be a good ruse for closet Obama fans who want to feign indifference. You can achieve the same effect with a 50 cent Obama badge just pinned to your underpants, but you might want to watch out for the pin.....

John McCain isn't being left out of the campaign underwear market. Oh no. And just as Obama is targeting his offering to his target audience, so is our John. You too can buy the John McCain for President Incontinence Pad collection. It's a natural fit. In more ways than one.

Wear your candidate with pride - just watch out for leaks.

Don't try this at home. PLEASE!!

2008-08-18T21:42:00.002-04:00

Just in case you are at all doubtful....yes, that metal skewer does indeed pass through the man's cheeks. He is a Hindu devotee sitting on the road during a religious procession dedicated to the Hindu Goddess "Shitla Mata", in Jammu. Fortunately the Church of England doesn't require this sort of devotion, and thinking about it, neither do Opus Dei. Otherwise Brother Silas wuld have had a hell of a problem chasing Tom Hanks though doorways. The Da Vinci Code would have been a much less interesting book/film.

I was at home the other day and they were playing 'oldies' on The Steve Wright Show. This song came on and I was amazed that I'd forgotten such a great song. It also features in one of my favorite films, which makes it even more surprising that I'd overlooked it. Mind you I overlooked half a lawn at the weekend so maybe presenile dementia is setting in. I just can't remember.

But I do remember this....

Fishy tales

2008-08-13T15:20:00.004-04:00

Ok, so how much would you pay for a photograph of pair of knickers? If your answer is...somewhere in excess of $127.50 then I may have a deal for you - it even has a bonus prize.

EBay seller annastella007 from Canberra didn't take kindly to her husband's adultery. Particularly not when she found his lover's knickers at the foot of the matrimonial bed and an empty condom packet under the pillow. Didn't take very kindly to it at all. So she tried to auction the knickers (humungous) and packet (small) on EBay. However this would contravene the second hand clothes restrictions on EBay so you'll have to be content with a photo. The story is published in full on the listing here and is well worth a read.

But if you like something a little more realistically fishy I have a deal for you as well. I've made this a few times and it's both easy and yummy. TMO liked it and pestered for the recipe, so here goes.....

Bourbon Glazed Salmon (with Shrimp)

3 Tablespoons Bourbon

3 Tablespoons Brown Sugar

2 Tablespoons Soy Sauce

1 Tablespoon Grated Peeled Fresh Ginger

1 Tablespoon Lime Juice

3 Minced Garlic Cloves

4 x 6oz Skinned Salmon Fillets

1/2 lb peeled, deveined shrimp

1 Tablespoon sesame seeds, toasted

Mix all the items down to the salmon in a plastic bag . Add the fishy bits, seal, and put in the fridge for a couple of hours stirring occasionally.

Heat a large non-stick frying an over medium-high heat. Spray lightly with cooking spray. Add fish and marinade to pan; cook for 4 minutes each side or until the fish flakes easily with a fork. Place on plates and dribble with sauce. Sprinkle over sesame seeds and enjoy.

And a note to TMO - before your splutter "but mine didn't have shrimp"...no, just thought of that today and they also go nicely.

End of a cool weekend

2008-08-11T21:15:00.003-04:00

The picture was too compelling not to post here. The election hasn't actually started so is still in its infancy. Which may explain the childish nature of the campaigns - I'm not sure whether the Obama celebs campaign is going to be the low point of a dismal election. Sadly I think they're all out there digging.

It was a cool weekend in very many ways. The weather has been surprisingly mild of late - highs of about 80 and little humidity. I don't know whose weather we have but we seem to have theres. If it does belong to you, please don't rush to claim it, ok?

Saturday evening was a non-retirement party. I'm not quite sure what exactly to call it, but a couple of friends from work are heading to different coasts to work remotely. As one person put it - I'm looking forward to working in a place where my ass doesn't freeze off every winter. He's Canadian so officially buttock-less. Not that I was looking mind you.
The party was held in a friend's house that I hadn't been to before and which has a fully functional wine-room on the ground floor. Racks, boxes to the ceiling, chiller (57F and 70%RH), tiled floor, tables, and lots upon lots of good wines. Very jolly.

And then on Sunday we had LSWMBO and TTFSIL (guess Ihave to change the acronym, eh Adrius?) over with our chums the Zs. LSWMBO wanted to ask their small-and-lovelies to be bridesmaids at the future festivities (May 15 2009 - please give generously). And they agreed, and I cooked, and drank some wine in the cool evening. There seems to be a theme forming here, and it's very agreeable.

So, good weekend but totally cream-crackered for work this morning and it was a very-much-Monday. Which leads to music. Last night we were sitting outside discussing concerts and the first one we went to (I think it was the Jam, but it could have been Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias). I took both LSWMBO and Mr Happy to their first concerts - and since that discussion this song has been rolling round in my head... it also happens to be one of the songs that is (to me) America.

Misquote of the week

2008-08-08T21:58:00.003-04:00

This week has been rich with meetings. And that is rich indeed..... I think it can all be summed up with one of my favorite misquotations:-

We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing;and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.

It's a quote that you see all over the place and is usually attributed to a 3rd century BC satirist - Gaius Petronius. Sadly it probably came into being about 2000 years later in Up The Organisation. Ah well, it's still a great quote.....

SWMBO and I went to see Brideshead Revisited last night and both thoroughly enjoyed it. I had never read the book (it's literature dammit) so didn't really know how true it was to the book. But it was beautifully shot and well acted. Well worth a look, if you have the time....

Nobodys Fault But Mine

2008-08-04T21:18:00.003-04:00

Back to work after the weekend and I guess down to some semblance of normality. It was a bit of a curious day - got berated by someone, ignored by someone, and confused by someone. And told that I was off work and staying home sick - which came as a bit of a shock as I was feeling ok to that point. I deteriorated rapidly.

But it got me thinking about a general theme that I see posted in various places and by people that I rather like. Some folk (and you know who you are) post very honest posts and 'expose' themselves to the world - including their social circles and their work companions. In many respects I admire them for their honesty and their courage. I don't think I could be so bold and 'put it all out there'. It's not my style and I have a tendency to be rather blunt in my views which could offend.............even more than I might normally do (yes it is possible. Just).

So I admire these folk and it upsets me when they have to disappear from view periodically due to stalkers, or other serious weirdos. That sort of honesty deserves respect rather than intimidation. The world can be a petty and small-minded place sometimes.

But as for me, then I guess it can all be summed up in todays music (and the title of the post). I picked up a copy of Beth Rowley's Little Dreamer CD when I was back home. She has a great voice but it's a bit hit and miss for me. BUT ....... her version of this gospel track is totally stunning. Here is a live version that I found on youtube and the studio version may be on its way to CO and TX shortly (when I get my a into g........). Enjoy this song.

TW3

2008-08-03T20:32:00.003-04:00

That Was The Weekend That Was......

Ok, this weekend was a somewhat tiring, but good weekend. Saturday we played host to the group of folk with whom I work. Firstly the weather was about as perfect as it could be in Indiana - dry, warm, not too humid, and the mosquitoes kept away.

I am rather lucky in the people I work with. It's a pretty motley crew - Cuban, Indian, Mexican, Bosnian, various aspects of the US - and they range in age and experience as this picture shows:-

But most people were able to come and the mix was good - in fact they drank rather more beer than I thought they would which is a good thing - and everyone seemed to have a good time. Looiking round the garden later I seem to have acquired a pair of sunglasses and 26 cents. A good time and a profit too?? What a Saturday.

And then today was rest and recuperation. A bit of tidying up, but not too much. And then just sorting out and sitting in the shade watching the humming-birds play 'Tyrant' . This is a game that gets played every year about this time and the rules are simple - rather like the players. One bird becomes tyrant and hangs out in the nearest tree (usually a Prunus). Then they mug any other hummer coming in for a drink and chase them off ruthlessly. It doesn't matter that the tyrant doesn't get to feed so long as they deprive anyone else of that ability. Natural born Republicans these guys.

And here is a phot of todays tyrant, not sitting in the TMO spot....

Isn't he fierce and ferocious????

I missed out on a recipe yesterday but here is one that several people at the party asked for so I guess I should share it. It comes from one of the major TV stations that SWMBo was watching when laid up with her foot. These savory crackers are really tasty and can be made in advance to a certain point so are really quite easy.

Cheddar-Cayenne Icebox Crackers

1 cup all purpose flour
1 ¼ tsp salt
½ tsp cayenne pepper
4 Tbsp (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, cut into 1/2” pieces
1 cup sharp (Vermont or aged Canadian) cheddar, shredded
¼ cup heavy cream

In a food processor, pulse together flour, salt, and cayenne pepper twice to mix. Add the butter and pulse until the mixture resembles coarse breadcrumbs, about 10 pulses. Pulse in the cheddar cheese twice to combine. With the motor running, pour in the cream and continue processing until the dough forms a single mass.

Transfer to a work surface and roll into a log about 2” in diameter. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 3 hours and up to 2 days.

Preheat the over to 325F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Cut the dough into 1/8” thick slices and place on the prepared baking sheet. Bake for about 20 minutes until the crackers are golden brown. Transfer the baking sheet to a wire rack. When the crackers are cool to the touch, transfer them to the rack. Makes about 24 crackers.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

2008-08-01T22:36:00.002-04:00

And the answer is, of course, a key. And that joke may indeed explain why Harold lost at the Battle of Hastings - he was obviously having a quick chortle and not paying attention. The rest is history.

That joks is officially the 3rd oldest joke in the world and shows that my ancestors weren't above a bit of ribald jocularity. I feel I am keeping up a very olde tradition - it's in my genes.

The second oldest joke goes back much further to those fun-loving chaps on the Nile - yep, Egyptian situation comedies were all using variations of this classic:-

"How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

Now, that may be lost on me a bit, but the idea of young women in fishing nets has an appeal that resonates down the ages. Well, I was resonating.

And so we had back to the wacky Sumerians for number 1 - probably cuneiform and engraved with great care back in 1900BC:-

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

A rib-tickler to be sure and one that probably has you convulsing over your keyboard as I type (I had to take a break of 20 minutes to wipe away the tears).

So, if we go back through history, we see willy jokes, scantily clad women jokes, and fart jokes. Apart from the fact that they never taught me these interesting snippets in school (maybe because they were contemporary), it shows that humans haven't really changed a lot over the centuries and miles.

And that is somehow a comforting thought for a Friday.

C-Day

2008-07-28T20:42:00.003-04:00

1) Counterattack

Ok, so maybe George Marshall was wrongly atributed with this, but the price of peace is eternal vigilance. The lagomorphs had one las trick up their invisible, furry sleeves - a second bunny!!! The little buggers had snuck in a decoy rabbit to lure us away from the main force. We were deceived by creature with brains the size of peas (and half as functional). Fortunately R2 was a little naive and made the mistake of revealing his entry route into the garden and I blocked that route. So all is peaceful. For now.

2) Cherries

Well, cherries does begin with 'c', even if it doesn't sound like it. As opposed to kirsch which doesn't begin with 'c', even if it does sound like it. But even without that desperate segue, both ingredients feature prominently in a recipe that SWMBO ran up this weekend. I'm not a big dessert fan, but this was such an omfg dish (and decadent with it) that I need to put it here. It's described as a 'free-form' recipe, which makes it great for convivial gatherings. Oh yes, and it's pretty darn alcocholic.....

500g black (Bing) cherries, pitted

4 1/2 Tbsp. caster sugar

Juice of 1 lemon

50mL Kirsch, with extra for glugging

250g whipping cream

Crushed amaretti biscuits

Vanilla ice cream

Put the cherries in a small saucepan with 4 Tbsp sugar and the lemon juice. Bring to a simmer and simmer, cover, and cook for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat, add the kirsch, and allow to cool.

Whip the cream with the last of the sugar. Then assemble the desserts - put some crumbled amaretti biscuits in the bottom of a sundae dish and glug over some kirsch (did I say it's 90 proof?). Add some cherries, pop in a bit of ice cream, then some cream, add some more amaretti, pour over a bit of the cherry liquor, and then glug over some more kirsch to taste. Enjoy - you will, trust me......

3) Cut

Cynic With Flair (still one more 'c'. Amazink) was posting about angsty, angry tracks and I had one at the back of my mind. And then it came to me - Cut, by the Cure is an agonisingly riven track and the live version is full of discordance and Robert Smith getting really really pissed off. And as luck would have it, the live version is up on youtube. This is best played at staggeringly high volume with headphones to maximise the experience and the angst.......

Man vs. Mother Nature. Lesson 2 - make a plan

2008-07-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

Preparedness is everything in battle, well maybe winning is. But a good plan can frequently create success while a bad plan can lead to catastrophic failure.

The battle of Sekigahara was crucial in detremining the future of Japan and the establishment of the Shogunate that ruled the country for centuries. Tokugawa Ieyasu led the forces of the East and was probably rather overmatched by his enemies. However he had undermined the loyalty of several Western generals and this turned the battle in his favour.

Robert E. Lee was a brilliant general but at the 3rd day of the Battle of Gettysburg he made a grave mistake that ceded the Union a famous victory and may have changed the course of the Civil War. He ordered Longstreet's men to walk across open fields and attack Hancock's divisions arrayed in good order on the ridge. The doomed charge is named after one of Longstreet's generals - Pickett's Charge.

Our plan was more simple - array 3 Homo sapiens (cumulative IQ in excess of 300) against 1 Sylvilagus floridanus (IQ about -5). Two of the people would act as beaters to flush out the rabbit and steer him to the open gate and freedom. The third was the spotter to make sure the little bastard ran in the right direction. Good plan, eh?

Of course it didn't go quite smoothly - as a military action it looked more the the retreat from Moscow. After running backwards and forwards for a while we managed to flush him out and then steer him in the right direction. Or nearly so - he veered slightly left and disappeared into the drier pipe. Damn.......

SWMBO went indoors and switched on the drier (don't know if she threw in a dryer sheet to avoid him getting static) while Mr Happy and I stood on guard with a net. And he eventually emerged where we got him in the net, put him in a live trap and relocated him to the local school which has a lot of bunny-friendly land and will give him a free elementary education.

And so we won the war....or did we?

Man vs. Mother Nature. Lesson 1 - know your enemy

2008-07-25T20:53:00.002-04:00

This is the German battleship Tirpitz. Launched in 1939 it displaced 42,900 tonnes and was armed with 8 x 380mm guns as primary weapons (4 turrets of 2) and 12 x 150mm secondary guns.

This is the Mitsubishi A6M Type Zero fighter. This was introduced into service in 1940 and was armed with 2 x 20mm cannons in the wings and 2 x 7.7mm machine guns in the engine cowling.

Rabbits evolved from primordial rodent like creatures. They have 6 incisor teeth which grow constantly.

Know your enemy.

Sex and scandal in the news

2008-07-23T20:32:00.001-04:00

The picture above was a cause for controversy when it was first painted, 60 years ago. The Greald Kelly nude, D.D. was bought by a public gallery in Wales in 1947 and over 20,000 people queued to take a peek at it. But the Newport council chiefs decided that the painting was scandalsing the town (maybe people were enjoying themselves too much) and ordered it removed. So it spent the next 60 years locked in a vault - where presumably only the Newport council chiefs could sneak a quick look.

But these are more enlightened times and so the picture was taken out and put on display. Where it immediately caused controversy. Not because she is nekked as a jay bird, but because she's smoking........ so much for enlightenment.

But let's move to Italy where they are romantic and sensual and so surely have a far more liberated view of sexual matters (stop calling me surely). Well, they've finally got round to overturning a 1999 ruling that a woman wearing tight jeans cannot by definition be raped or sexually molested because the removal of the garment requires her“collaboration and consent”. The only exception is if she's smoking? Seems like they're almost as romantic as the Welsh. Baaaaaaaaa.

No, if you want to find a place that sexually is really moving with the times then you need to head to Nevada (of all places). In a move to stimulate the local economy in more ways than one, Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 - worth about one hour's worth of services - at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas.

Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of gas vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week. Now that's Zeitgeist.

A man who made the modern world?

2008-07-21T21:35:00.002-04:00

How many of you know who this guy was? I have to admit I didn't but if there was anyone who impacted our modern way of life, then it is Thomas Midgley Jr.

He was born in 1889 and started work as a research chemist in the Dayton Laboratories, a subsidiary of GM. One of the biggest issues facing the auto industry then was that petrol didn't ignite cleanly in the cylinders, causing the engine to knock. Midgley looked at a wide variety of materials to add to the petrol to smooth this out and found one - tetraethyl lead. GM promoted leaded petrol (rather than ethanol as an additive) as they could make more dosh out of it. Midgley became VP of the factory making the noxious stuff which killed a number of employees before it was closed down in 1925. He had to spend a month convalescing in Miami to get over lead poisoning himself. The rest is history.....

Not content to rest on his somewhat tarnished laurels Midgley redirected his energy to another pressing issue - how to replace the 'toxic' materials used as refrigerants in the 20s. Some of these were nasty and corrosive so there was a need for something safe and stable. After some research he found a family of alternatives - the chlorinated fluorinated hydrocarbons, which he dubbed Freons.... again, the rest is history.

Hopefully both of his inventions are history. Midgley certainly is. In 1940 he contracted polio and was confined, very reluctantly to his bed. To lift himself out of the bed he created a series of ropes and pullies. This had an unfortunate (for him) side effect when he got entangled in the ropes and died of strangulation in 1944.

Strike 3 ....................................

And for music, I'm going back to Third as it's a damn fine CD that is spending a lot of time in my player. One of my favorite tracks on there is The Rip and the video for it is very odd and rather awesome.... enjoy.

Films I may have missed

2008-07-18T21:06:00.003-04:00

TTO (soon the be SILTTO I guess) is a film fan.. Big, big film fan. Big, big, big...well you get the picture. I, on the other hand, seem to miss a lot of films and so live in a somewhat more innocent and unencumbered world. But I didn't realise some of the fine movies out there I have overlooked in my time.

Let's start with the classic Frankenhooker, an every tale of love and romance. You know the story. Boy meets girl. Girl gets sliced to ribbons by lawn mower. Boy patches girl back together with body parts from prostitutes. Girl goes on rampage in New York, leaving a trail of exploding prostitutes.
A real Romeo and Juliet story, but with exploding prostitutes. Bet Shakespeare never thought of that!

If my attention span is a bit shorter (~3 minutes) there is always Revenge of the Arthuropods, a 1997 classic where plastic crustaceans come to life and sexually assault naked Barbie dolls. They had it coming.

If sport is more your style - sport and sushi - Crust is the flim for you. Seven foot pink plastic shrimp becomes a star boxer rather than tempura. Of course it was a gigantic hit in Japan and led to the follow-ups Calamari Wrestler and Crab Goalkeeper. So there's a whole series for you to indulge yourselves in that will appeal to the wide variety of sports fans in your life.

Perhaps more bizarrely there is A Heap of Trouble , in which nine naked men march, singing, through suburbia, scaring women and children off the streets. I'm sure I see this nightly on the local news but round here it tends to be a solo rather than a choir.

And then there are those whose titles hint at wildly exotic somethingorother - Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell , or Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.

And finally there is I Don't Want To Be Born. Doesn't really sound like much but does have Joan Collins as a retired stripper with a curse put on her by a dwarf for refusing to have sex with him. Nine months later she gives birth to a monstrous, flesh-ripping baby. Netflix anyone?

End of a promotional era

2008-07-14T20:23:00.003-04:00

I have a mate (TMO) who works for a company that is promoting and profiting from selling lasciviousness and promoting decadence. Yep, they sell stuff for erectile dysfunction.

What's even better is that their product has an additional beneficial side effect - it heats your bathwater. And for up to 36 hours at a time in case your daughter comes home from college when you need a bath.

Or that's the way I took the advertisements; did I misunderstand something?

One day he came a'visiting and brought one of the promotional pens associated with the product in question. It came all the way from Spain (no comments, please) and looked like the closed picture above. Press the button on the side and it magically expanded before our eyes to 2 or 3x the original size. Brilliant! I laughed so much I cried and even SWMBO was impressed. And that's saying a lot, believe me.

But such simple pleasures are behind us now as new guidelines by the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) prohibit drug makers from giving out pens, as well as other "non-educational" items such as mugs, to healthcare providers and their staffs. So there will be a dearth of expanding Sexalis pens and jolly Imodium coffee mugs round your local quacks soon. Presumably they'll have to jack up their prices to make up for the loss of these critical perks. But it bums me even more that I won't even get a free pen to hold between my red, peeling fingers.

But thinking of TMO led me to one of my favorite all-time songs. Bowie is probably one of the most inventive and re-inventive artists of all time and this Eno-produced number from 1977 (gulp) is rich in memories of places and people. It's also an appropriate title:-

It's not the illness, it's the side effects that get you

2008-07-12T21:52:00.005-04:00

So this morning I took a trip to the quacks. Now before any of you start panicking that this particular den of drivel is likely to cease any time soon (or that it won't, which could be far worse) it's not serious. Just annoying and somewhat painful.

So I pop off to the pharmacist with my prescription in hand and duly get my big white horsepills. The pharmacist made the comment that I really should steer clear of tanning beds (damn, damn, damn) as one of the side-effects of this medication is that it makes you especially sensitive to sunlight.

I went home and, having nothing better to do, read the drug description they gave me. Really I was looking for the bit where it tells you not to drink while taking the pills. It doesn't make any difference - I will ignore it anyway, but I do feel better for knowing that. But it appears that's about the only positive thing going for this drug - oh, and the fact that it will cure my ailment (minor positive).

To quote......

The most common adverse effects are gastrointestinal disturbances (nausea, vomiting, anorexia) and allergic skin reactions (such as rash and urticaria). FATALITIES , ALTHOUGH RARE, HAVE OCCURRED DUE TO SEVERE REACTIONS, INCLUDING STEVENS-JOHNSON SYNDROME, TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS, FULMINANT HEPATIC NECROSIS, AGRANULOCYTOSIS, APLASTIC ANEMIA AND OTHER BLOOD DYSCRASIAS

Hematologic: Agranulocytosis, aplastic anemia, thrombocytopenia, leukopenia, neutropenia, hemolytic anemia, megaloblastic anemia, hypoprothrombinemia, methemoglobinemia, eosinophilia.

Allergic Reactions: Stevens-Johnson syndrome, toxic epidermal necrolysis, anaphylaxis, allergic myocarditis, erythema multiforme, exfoliative dermatitis, angioedema, drug fever, chills, Henoch-Schoenlein purpura, serum sickness-like syndrome, generalized allergic reactions, generalized skin eruptions, photosensitivity, conjunctival and scleral injection, pruritus, urticaria and rash. In addition, periarteritis nodosa and systemic lupus erythematosus have been reported.

Gastrointestinal: Hepatitis (including cholestatic jaundice and hepatic necrosis), elevation of serum transaminase and bilirubin, pseudomembranous enterocolitis, pancreatitis, stomatitis, glossitis, nausea, emesis, abdominal pain, diarrhea, anorexia.

Genitourinary: Renal failure, interstitial nephritis, BUN and serum creatinine elevation, toxic nephrosis with oliguria and anuria, crystalluria and nephrotoxicity in association with cyclosporine.

Neurologic: Aseptic meningitis, convulsions, peripheral neuritis, ataxia, vertigo, tinnitus, headache.

Psychiatric: Hallucinations, depression, apathy, nervousness.

Endocrine: The sulfonamides bear certain chemical similarities to some goitrogens, diuretics (acetazolamide and the thiazides) and oral hypoglycemic agents. Cross-sensitivity may exist with these agents. Diuresis and hypoglycemia have occurred rarely in patients receiving sulfonamides.

Musculoskeletal: Arthralgia and myalgia.

Respiratory: Cough, shortness of breath and pulmonary infiltrates (see WARNINGS).

Miscellaneous: Weakness, fatigue, insomnia.

So if you see me in the street in the next 10 days I'll be easy to recognise. My skin, that bit which isn't falling off, will be bright red. I'll have huge goitres in my neck and will be coughing a lot. While I'll be falling over as I'm weak and tired, I'll be completely sleep-deprived due to my perpetual insomnia. And if my liver hasn't packed in the diarrrhea will mean that I will be quite literally s***ing myself.

The good news is that "many patients do not suffer serious side effects" - which I guess means that many patients do. I feel so much better....... but that's not the drug talking, believe me.

Dead in bed? Murder, he said

2008-07-10T21:21:00.002-04:00

Given certain parts of my readership I feel nervous broaching this subject. But I know SWMBO doesn't read this drivel so I personally am quite safe.

All you ladies out there - if you feel the need to bump off the man in your life (or ex-life in his case), then you might just consider killing him in bed. Not necessarily in the traditional rumpypumpy way of bumping (and grinding) him off, but by the Russian folding bed method.

It works - just ask the nice Russian woman in St Petersburg who reportedly killed her drunk husband with a folding sofa-bed. She got upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, and kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall. The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch. The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

Well, he was very quiet cos he was dead. The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body. Video on the Channel 5 website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions. Perhaps fortunately for him he didn't live to see this indignity.

Personally I'm not planning on sitting in any Lazyboy recliner for the foreseeable future. And if I see any hinges on our marital bed, I'm definitley staying in the spare room for a while.

Spice up your sexlife, but watch out for the pips

2008-07-07T21:37:00.002-04:00

Now I don't want anoy of you getting any funny ideas about me. This is an educational post and is intended to improve everyones' nutrition, rather than purely to eliminate your need for Viagra - getting your daily need for fruit is important to all of us:-
No, not like that.

A group at Texas A&M have been studying the nutritional value of the humble watermelon (possibly sponsored by the Texas Watermelon Guild and Hustler) and have determined that eating a mere 6 cups of watermelon a day can improve your libido and eliminate your dependency on that little blue pill. They delicately refer to the chemicals in question as 'enhancers' - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?

So Steph, if your old man comes visiting with a crate of watermelons, don't be overly alarmed. It's all natural.

But if you live apart from your true love, then here's a tune to keep you company. It's from the new Isabel Campbell and Mark Lanegan CD and arrived at my house courtesy of TTO. I'm not sure the creator of the video quite got it right - bletched?????? But it's still a good tune:-

Bring me the head of Mary Carillo

2008-07-05T20:56:00.002-04:00

Mary Carillo gets her cheque for

ruining Wimbledon for many

If push comes to shove you can leave it attached to the body, but that might not be the best solution. For those of you who may not be familiar with her you are extremely lucky she is the verbal diarrhea tennis commentator for CBS currently ruining Wimbledon for tennis fans over here.

It's a tough job being the commentator for something like Wimbledon and coming up with something original to say about another match between the Williams sisters. But she makes it easy and doesn't bother. She runs out the same old tired tat that she rolls out every time an American plays - at least this wasn't as bad as the Haas/Blake game where she hyped Mr Blake up before his (almost inevitable) 5 set loss.

Personally I think the sports channels have missed out on a huge marketing opportunity. If they did a pay-per-view without the Carillo idiot track SWMBO would sign up like a shot. As would many more - I'm sure they'd make a handsome profit. It's either that, or I have to win the lottery so I can fly SWMBO and Mr Happy back to the UK where they can listen to a class commentator like John Lloyd......ok, maybe not.

Meanwhile back on the cooking front. Last week we had The Martian Observer over for supper and, it being the season for this sort of thing I decided to grill out. TMO seemed enthusiastic for the marinade and asked for the recipe. It was constructed on the yack principle, where 1 yack is when you turn up the bottle and an amount yacks out. Not really very scientific, but that's my week job and I take time off at the weekend.

Flank steak marinade:
1 teaspoon dry ginger
2 teaspoons garlic and chili sauce
4 yacks soy sauce
4-6 yacks teriyaki
2-3 yacks dry sherry
2 yacks (and maybe a glug) sesame oil

So TMO - here it is in as much detail and specificity as I can muster. Sorry, but my memory might just get a little better if a certain head was to be delivered. Just a thought.

Life is cheap

2008-06-30T21:30:00.003-04:00

But how cheap is it really? We often wonder that, but in the case of Australian Ian Usher we actually know. His life is worth $382,000 all in - at least that's how much he raised on eBay when he decided to put it all on the virtual block. That includes his house, his job, his 1989 Mazda and his friends (I'm guessing they're worth about five bucks). He was a bit disappointed as he was hoping for $100,000 more, but I guess that's the power of the market for you.

If you think that's a bit much for you, then there is a somewhat cheaper opportunity for you. Simon 'Parky' Kaye is currently going for $8.51 which seems to be a bit of a bargain from what I can see. I'm sure you could buy him, whap him back on eBay and make a quick profit. Click here if you're interested. Of course, he could be a fake....caveat emptor. You have been warned.

Speaking of fakes - let's have something a little classic and only vaguely dubious for Monday. I met her in a club down in old Soho.......